Dear Soldier Boy

I suppose the soldier thing should've been a warning sign to me from the beginning...a charming, intelligent, flirtatious, sarcastic soldier.  Sound like anyone else you may have heard of?  Someone by the name of Mr. Wickham, perhaps?

And like Elizabeth, I bought into the whole act.  I did think it was weird whenever he talked about how few friends he had--sure, it was possible that his explanations of having moved around several times since high school, being a minor league professional baseball player, or just not quite getting along with people--but he made me laugh (ok, so that's not exactly difficult, but sue me, I love to laugh), and he was encouraging and SO smart, so I mostly ignored that detail.

(disclaimer, this blog post does NOT end with this guy running off with my little sister, or with a "scandalously patched up marriage")

Part of me wanted to write this blog in the form of a letter to him (hence the title), but I decided that made it too personal.

Soldier Boy and I began texting in May.  We were matched on one of the dating apps because his location said Columbus...but once we had been texting for about a week, and we both seemed to be enjoying getting to know each other a little bit, he told me that he was in New York for the summer, as part of a training camp at West Point.  Honestly, judging by my past experiences with texting boys from the internet, I didn't expect us to continue texting for the entire summer.  But we did.  Almost every single day, and usually a lot each day.  We talked about everything--weather, religion, politics, sports, work, family.  Whether he wanted to admit it or not (he didn't), we were building a pretty good relationship.  We even made it to talking on the phone a few times before we met up...usually for over 2 hours at a time.

And we played knock-off battleship on an app.  Lots and lots of battleship. (and for the record, I maintained a winning record in both fake battleship AND the fake connect 4 game that we played)

The last weekend in July was when he was supposed to get back to Georgia.  We had loosely planned to meet up the following weekend, since I didn't have a horse show for once.  To my surprise, he wanted to drive to Athens the night he got back.  I had a local horse show that day, but I told him we could do something if he didn't mind that I would be coming straight from the barn...he said he didn't care.  We had *sort of* decided to go bowling, but by the time I was finished at the barn, I was hungry, so we decided to do dinner instead.

Here's where he demonstrated his intelligence...or his ability to read people...or both.

I had previously told him about one of the online dates--the one where the guy tried to hold my hand (that story is told in full in the post "Bowling with Mr. Bingley", in case you haven't read that one yet). Soldier Boy and I were on the phone while parking, because I was nice and told him where the free parking lot is in downtown Athens (because he had never been to Athens before, so I told him we should go to The Grill).  Like a romantic comedy, we stayed on the phone while he started walking toward me...but then he stopped, over 100 yards away.  He asked if that was how far my personal space bubble reached, or if he should come closer.  Honestly, that was a GREAT first impression for me, a person who really does have a huge personal space bubble.  It was funny, disarming.

While walking to The Grill (for those who don't know, the free parking lot is a couple of blocks from almost anything downtown, but totally worth it because, you know, FREE PARKING), Soldier Boy stayed pretty far away from me, sort of smirking the whole time.  Then he started talking, but quietly, so I had to move a little closer to him (he really was a little bit soft-spoken on the phone too, but I feel like he maybe exaggerated it a little bit in person).  Seriously, it was a good strategy.

We talked all through dinner.  He told me a very elaborate story about the dogs he had growing up.  Allegedly, there was one who was mostly wild, and probably part wolf, according to him, that he tried to befriend.  That's a whole different story, but while he told it, he used fries to "draw" out a diagram of where he grew up.  At one point, he looked down and said "I don't know why I'm doing this, this is weird"...but of course, being an artsy person, I thought it was a solid story-telling skill, and I appreciated the creativity.

Soldier Boy wanted to go walk around Athens a little, since he had never been there.  We were planning to go do that after paying (at The Grill, you have to pay at the front).  When we went to pay, they asked for our IDs to accompany our credit cards--and yes, I paid for my own food...we had agreed to treat this first meeting as just that, and not as a date; his idea, but it actually took a lot of the mental pressure off of me, so I appreciated it--but he had left his ID in his car.  The cashier asked if I could confirm his last name.  Funny story...I actually could have, but he didn't know that I already knew his last name.  In our 2 months of texting and talking on the phone, we never exchanged last names.  He had "accidentally" sent me a picture of something that did have his last name on it, early on in texting, but I didn't mention it at the time.  I also had already done enough internet stalking to discover his full name, which he definitely didn't know that I knew.  But I pretended I didn't know his last name.  It was SUPER awkward, but also kind of fun knowing that I knew information that he hadn't actually given me.  So anyway, he ended up having to show them his Facebook profile to prove that it was really his credit card; he has enough privacy settings that I had *not* been able to find him on Facebook, so once again, I was gaining more information.  I felt like a spy.  I didn't even bother to try to hide my last name on my card or ID, because I'm not difficult to find online, so I figured he already knew my last name (and plenty of other info that I hadn't actually told him); he did, but also didn't admit that to me at the time.

BUT THEN...

My stomach started to feel AWFUL.  Like all of a sudden, I felt like I was going to hurl.  After I went to the restroom, I met him outside.  I told him that I knew it sounded like a bad line to get out of a date, but that I really thought I was going to throw up, so I needed to go home.  Turns out that I actually had spiked a fever at some point, and I assume I had caught the 24-hour stomach bug that had been going around at the barn.  WORST. TIMING. EVER.

I texted him after taking my temperature and told him (again) that I really was sick, and that I had a good time with him up until then.  He clearly didn't believe me, as I soon found out...

The next day, I texted him and tried to convince him that I hadn't been trying to get out of anything.  Eventually, I think at least part of him accepted that.  We talked on the phone again a couple of nights that week, texted lots again, and played more battleship.  Spiderman: Far from Home had just come out, and both of us wanted to see it, so Friday night, he drove to Athens again, and we went to dinner (at Waffle House, because EVERYTHING else was packed since the college kids had just come back to town).  Again, dinner was pleasant enough.  Soldier Boy ended up paying for my food this time, but only because he didn't realize he was doing it since the whole check was so cheap.  I definitely started to think it was weird that he was so against calling anything a date, or treating any of it like a date...I mean, we were doing dinner and a movie, for crying out loud.  That's pretty date-like.  But he didn't pay for my movie, which again was awkward, since you have to choose seats when you pay at almost all the theaters now.  My snarky side might have won at that point, because I said something to the effect of "I mean I guess we don't *have* to sit together"...he just kind of rolled his eyes at that.  But I mean, COME ON.  Date me or don't date me, or let's hang out in a group if you're not sure yet; heck, I wasn't sure yet...a group would've been great.  But I've done the "non-dating" thing before for a whole entire summer, mutually, and those waters get real murky real quick where feelings are concerned.  GIRLS LIKE LABELS.  Especially type-A girls like me.  I'm not saying labels should be attached to things too soon, but at least some sort of discussion should happen.  In this post-I Kissed Dating Goodbye world of Christian dating, I know it's intimidating to attach labels to relationships...but "going on a date" doesn't have to be the same as "dating."

We both enjoyed the movie, but rather than standing around after to talk about it, we just kind of chatted on the way back to our cars, and he literally just kept walking after we got to my car.  He didn't say goodbye, he didn't wave, he didn't try for a hug...he didn't even stop walking.  I yelled "bye, thanks, it was fun!" across the parking lot to him.  Because it was fun.  But maybe it was just fun for me...who knows.

We had vaguely discussed meeting up in Atlanta the next day to do something, but had made no solid plans.  I had to work that morning, but when I still hadn't heard from him by about noon, I finally texted him.  I didn't hear back for several hours, at which point he basically just said the whole day had been a day of not doing things he had planned to do...whatever that means.  At that point, I had already made dinner plans with my parents, since I hadn't heard from him, so when he asked if I wanted to get dinner somewhere, I had to say no.  So then he decided he was going to go on some random solo road trip to who knows where.  He sent me a couple of pictures of the sunset while he was driving, and of a Delorean that he drove past.  And that was the last thing I heard from him for 3 days.

I texted him after a whole day of nothing, and said something to the effect of "did you and the Delorean fall into a black hole or something?"  No reply for a couple days, at which point, his "excuse" was that he had been sleeping a lot for the last few days.  BRO.  DUMBEST EXCUSE IN THE WORLD.  I told him that he could've at least texted that he would be disappearing for a couple days...he said he didn't think I would care, and didn't think that I was even still interested.  I never got to hear why he thought that--I still really would like to know.

The rest of that week, I barely heard from him, and really I don't think I would have ever heard anything if I hadn't texted first.  I called him out for ghosting me (which allegedly "isn't my style", according to one of his texts from early-on in our texting), and he turned it back on me and said "c'mon now, you're classier than that".  He said some other things too, we kind of chatted again for a little bit that night, and then that was really it.  But honestly, I was so mad when he tried to make it my fault that HE QUIT TALKING TO ME with no explanation, that he would've had to have done a lot of damage control anyway.  I'm sure he realized that at some point (he is smart, after all), and decided it would just be easier to disappear entirely.

So, Soldier Boy, if you ever read this blog post, consider this my way of saying goodbye.  Also, you should consider learning how to say that word yourself.  I think I at least deserved that.

Is Honesty *always* the Best Policy?

We had only been messaging for a couple of days, and he asked if I'd like to get coffee.  That Saturday afternoon happened to work out well for both of us, so we were able to meet up fairly soon after starting to chat.

This guy seriously must have done his research and read my blog...he never tried to do any kind of awkward hugs.  He stood up when I walked in, shook my hand, bought me coffee.  We sat and talked, pretty much nonstop, for THREE HOURS.  He had to go put more money in his parking meter at one point, because we were still talking.

We talked about super nerdy things, like the Silmarillion and the Book of Lost Tales.  We talked about our jobs (past and present).  We talked about traveling.  He did the whole "Jack Kerouac" thing back when he was 19 (I think): bought a van, and drove all the way out to California, just him and his guitar.  Lorelai Gilmore would've been very proud.

Eventually, we got around to what we had majored in during college.  When he found out that I had been an art major, he asked if I had any photos of any of my work on my phone.  All I could find were the pictures I had on Facebook of my exit show as a senior...so a marble sculpture, a necklace, and 3 brooches.  And in case my nerdiness had not already been clearly stated, the 3 brooches each represented a book of The Lord of the Rings...but it didn't seem to bother him.  In fact, he encouraged me to make time to work on my art, which I very rarely do, because I'm so busy all the time.

We talked about God, and each ended up sharing how the Lord had worked in our lives to accomplish various things, or to lead us to different places in life.

When it was time to leave, it was raining outside.  I had parked a block away, and he had brought an umbrella--normally, I would've actually brought my rain jacket along, but it smelled like horses, so I left it in my car this time.  As much as it makes me nervous to let any of these online dates know what my car looks like (call me paranoid, it's fine), he very sweetly walked me to my car, holding the umbrella for me.  He even seemed to appreciate my nerdy bumper stickers (Star Wars and Lord of the Rings...surprise). He said we should do this again sometime.  I made sure that I smiled, and I said that would be fun; I said I had a nice time.  I think I said all the right things, and I tried really hard to make sure that my body language wasn't shutting him down.  Because I really had enjoyed getting to know him a little, and a second date would be fine.

But...

He didn't ask for my number.

It's now been several days, and I haven't heard anything from him.

So now begins my brain’s nonstop review of every single minute detail. Where did I go wrong? No, I didn’t think he was necessarily “the one” or anything, but I think a second date would’ve been worthwhile. 

From the beginning, what details did I miss at first?

—Maybe the fact that he couldn’t tell that I had showered and put on makeup? He asked if I came straight from work...but my hair was still wet from my shower, and I’m not great at eyeliner, so it doesn’t exactly look like it should just magically be there.

—Maybe I didn’t sound enthusiastic enough about doing something again? But I was definitely engaged in our conversation (ok, so I did have to deal with something with work, via text, but that was *mostly* while he was feeding his parking meter, and I apologized profusely for it)

—Maybe the fact that the more he put his hands past the middle of the table, the more I sat back in my chair and played with my empty coffee cup?

—Maybe it should’ve been a clue to me that he didn’t try to do anything but shake my hand after he walked me to my car? But I fully appreciated that...I found that to be very polite (chivalrous, even), and not at all pushy...which made me comfortable.

—Maybe I should’ve messaged him as soon as I got home and said I had a good time? But I told him that in person, when I agreed (with a smile, because I made a mental note to do it) that a second date would be nice. Plus, he had very clearly been leading up to that point; he didn’t waste time before asking me out, he proposed a day, time, AND place, and he was there before me. AND he thought ahead enough to bring an umbrella.

—Maybe he’s just not that into me.

Legend has it that Abraham Lincoln always said that honesty was the best policy. I have no idea if he really said that or not, but he was called Honest Abe, so it seems likely. Personally, I like honesty. I’m really not capable of hiding anything...I would be a terrible spy (but a great superhero...lol). So at what point do I need to actually add something in my dating profiles about how, even though it’s been 5 years since my last breakup (and almost 7 since the really bad one), deep down I’m still afraid of trusting someone new enough to maybe-one-day fall in love, so I might not seem super enthusiastic about dating in general, but that they shouldn’t take it personally? That if I spend more than an hour with them on a first date, I’m probably willing to go on a second one? Or that physical touch is the absolute lowest of my love languages, and that it will probably take me several dates before I’m comfortable enough to even think about holding hands? That I even find “Christian side hugs” to be pushing the envelope of what’s appropriate when you first meet someone?

None of those things seem likely to get me any dates at all, but if I keep going the way I have been, I don’t foresee myself getting any second dates. And sure, in my perfect rom-com world (you know, the fake one in my head), the “perfect guy” would see through all these issues anyway. If only that perfect rom-com world existed *outside* of my head...

Maybe I will add some of that stuff...may as well try something different, right? Maybe honesty really is the best policy?