I suppose the soldier thing should've been a warning sign to me from the beginning...a charming, intelligent, flirtatious, sarcastic soldier. Sound like anyone else you may have heard of? Someone by the name of Mr. Wickham, perhaps?
And like Elizabeth, I bought into the whole act. I did think it was weird whenever he talked about how few friends he had--sure, it was possible that his explanations of having moved around several times since high school, being a minor league professional baseball player, or just not quite getting along with people--but he made me laugh (ok, so that's not exactly difficult, but sue me, I love to laugh), and he was encouraging and SO smart, so I mostly ignored that detail.
(disclaimer, this blog post does NOT end with this guy running off with my little sister, or with a "scandalously patched up marriage")
Part of me wanted to write this blog in the form of a letter to him (hence the title), but I decided that made it too personal.
Soldier Boy and I began texting in May. We were matched on one of the dating apps because his location said Columbus...but once we had been texting for about a week, and we both seemed to be enjoying getting to know each other a little bit, he told me that he was in New York for the summer, as part of a training camp at West Point. Honestly, judging by my past experiences with texting boys from the internet, I didn't expect us to continue texting for the entire summer. But we did. Almost every single day, and usually a lot each day. We talked about everything--weather, religion, politics, sports, work, family. Whether he wanted to admit it or not (he didn't), we were building a pretty good relationship. We even made it to talking on the phone a few times before we met up...usually for over 2 hours at a time.
And we played knock-off battleship on an app. Lots and lots of battleship. (and for the record, I maintained a winning record in both fake battleship AND the fake connect 4 game that we played)
The last weekend in July was when he was supposed to get back to Georgia. We had loosely planned to meet up the following weekend, since I didn't have a horse show for once. To my surprise, he wanted to drive to Athens the night he got back. I had a local horse show that day, but I told him we could do something if he didn't mind that I would be coming straight from the barn...he said he didn't care. We had *sort of* decided to go bowling, but by the time I was finished at the barn, I was hungry, so we decided to do dinner instead.
Here's where he demonstrated his intelligence...or his ability to read people...or both.
I had previously told him about one of the online dates--the one where the guy tried to hold my hand (that story is told in full in the post "Bowling with Mr. Bingley", in case you haven't read that one yet). Soldier Boy and I were on the phone while parking, because I was nice and told him where the free parking lot is in downtown Athens (because he had never been to Athens before, so I told him we should go to The Grill). Like a romantic comedy, we stayed on the phone while he started walking toward me...but then he stopped, over 100 yards away. He asked if that was how far my personal space bubble reached, or if he should come closer. Honestly, that was a GREAT first impression for me, a person who really does have a huge personal space bubble. It was funny, disarming.
While walking to The Grill (for those who don't know, the free parking lot is a couple of blocks from almost anything downtown, but totally worth it because, you know, FREE PARKING), Soldier Boy stayed pretty far away from me, sort of smirking the whole time. Then he started talking, but quietly, so I had to move a little closer to him (he really was a little bit soft-spoken on the phone too, but I feel like he maybe exaggerated it a little bit in person). Seriously, it was a good strategy.
We talked all through dinner. He told me a very elaborate story about the dogs he had growing up. Allegedly, there was one who was mostly wild, and probably part wolf, according to him, that he tried to befriend. That's a whole different story, but while he told it, he used fries to "draw" out a diagram of where he grew up. At one point, he looked down and said "I don't know why I'm doing this, this is weird"...but of course, being an artsy person, I thought it was a solid story-telling skill, and I appreciated the creativity.
Soldier Boy wanted to go walk around Athens a little, since he had never been there. We were planning to go do that after paying (at The Grill, you have to pay at the front). When we went to pay, they asked for our IDs to accompany our credit cards--and yes, I paid for my own food...we had agreed to treat this first meeting as just that, and not as a date; his idea, but it actually took a lot of the mental pressure off of me, so I appreciated it--but he had left his ID in his car. The cashier asked if I could confirm his last name. Funny story...I actually could have, but he didn't know that I already knew his last name. In our 2 months of texting and talking on the phone, we never exchanged last names. He had "accidentally" sent me a picture of something that did have his last name on it, early on in texting, but I didn't mention it at the time. I also had already done enough internet stalking to discover his full name, which he definitely didn't know that I knew. But I pretended I didn't know his last name. It was SUPER awkward, but also kind of fun knowing that I knew information that he hadn't actually given me. So anyway, he ended up having to show them his Facebook profile to prove that it was really his credit card; he has enough privacy settings that I had *not* been able to find him on Facebook, so once again, I was gaining more information. I felt like a spy. I didn't even bother to try to hide my last name on my card or ID, because I'm not difficult to find online, so I figured he already knew my last name (and plenty of other info that I hadn't actually told him); he did, but also didn't admit that to me at the time.
BUT THEN...
My stomach started to feel AWFUL. Like all of a sudden, I felt like I was going to hurl. After I went to the restroom, I met him outside. I told him that I knew it sounded like a bad line to get out of a date, but that I really thought I was going to throw up, so I needed to go home. Turns out that I actually had spiked a fever at some point, and I assume I had caught the 24-hour stomach bug that had been going around at the barn. WORST. TIMING. EVER.
I texted him after taking my temperature and told him (again) that I really was sick, and that I had a good time with him up until then. He clearly didn't believe me, as I soon found out...
The next day, I texted him and tried to convince him that I hadn't been trying to get out of anything. Eventually, I think at least part of him accepted that. We talked on the phone again a couple of nights that week, texted lots again, and played more battleship. Spiderman: Far from Home had just come out, and both of us wanted to see it, so Friday night, he drove to Athens again, and we went to dinner (at Waffle House, because EVERYTHING else was packed since the college kids had just come back to town). Again, dinner was pleasant enough. Soldier Boy ended up paying for my food this time, but only because he didn't realize he was doing it since the whole check was so cheap. I definitely started to think it was weird that he was so against calling anything a date, or treating any of it like a date...I mean, we were doing dinner and a movie, for crying out loud. That's pretty date-like. But he didn't pay for my movie, which again was awkward, since you have to choose seats when you pay at almost all the theaters now. My snarky side might have won at that point, because I said something to the effect of "I mean I guess we don't *have* to sit together"...he just kind of rolled his eyes at that. But I mean, COME ON. Date me or don't date me, or let's hang out in a group if you're not sure yet; heck, I wasn't sure yet...a group would've been great. But I've done the "non-dating" thing before for a whole entire summer, mutually, and those waters get real murky real quick where feelings are concerned. GIRLS LIKE LABELS. Especially type-A girls like me. I'm not saying labels should be attached to things too soon, but at least some sort of discussion should happen. In this post-I Kissed Dating Goodbye world of Christian dating, I know it's intimidating to attach labels to relationships...but "going on a date" doesn't have to be the same as "dating."
We both enjoyed the movie, but rather than standing around after to talk about it, we just kind of chatted on the way back to our cars, and he literally just kept walking after we got to my car. He didn't say goodbye, he didn't wave, he didn't try for a hug...he didn't even stop walking. I yelled "bye, thanks, it was fun!" across the parking lot to him. Because it was fun. But maybe it was just fun for me...who knows.
We had vaguely discussed meeting up in Atlanta the next day to do something, but had made no solid plans. I had to work that morning, but when I still hadn't heard from him by about noon, I finally texted him. I didn't hear back for several hours, at which point he basically just said the whole day had been a day of not doing things he had planned to do...whatever that means. At that point, I had already made dinner plans with my parents, since I hadn't heard from him, so when he asked if I wanted to get dinner somewhere, I had to say no. So then he decided he was going to go on some random solo road trip to who knows where. He sent me a couple of pictures of the sunset while he was driving, and of a Delorean that he drove past. And that was the last thing I heard from him for 3 days.
I texted him after a whole day of nothing, and said something to the effect of "did you and the Delorean fall into a black hole or something?" No reply for a couple days, at which point, his "excuse" was that he had been sleeping a lot for the last few days. BRO. DUMBEST EXCUSE IN THE WORLD. I told him that he could've at least texted that he would be disappearing for a couple days...he said he didn't think I would care, and didn't think that I was even still interested. I never got to hear why he thought that--I still really would like to know.
The rest of that week, I barely heard from him, and really I don't think I would have ever heard anything if I hadn't texted first. I called him out for ghosting me (which allegedly "isn't my style", according to one of his texts from early-on in our texting), and he turned it back on me and said "c'mon now, you're classier than that". He said some other things too, we kind of chatted again for a little bit that night, and then that was really it. But honestly, I was so mad when he tried to make it my fault that HE QUIT TALKING TO ME with no explanation, that he would've had to have done a lot of damage control anyway. I'm sure he realized that at some point (he is smart, after all), and decided it would just be easier to disappear entirely.
So, Soldier Boy, if you ever read this blog post, consider this my way of saying goodbye. Also, you should consider learning how to say that word yourself. I think I at least deserved that.
Sunday, September 8, 2019
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Is Honesty *always* the Best Policy?
We had only been messaging for a couple of days, and he asked if I'd like to get coffee. That Saturday afternoon happened to work out well for both of us, so we were able to meet up fairly soon after starting to chat.
This guy seriously must have done his research and read my blog...he never tried to do any kind of awkward hugs. He stood up when I walked in, shook my hand, bought me coffee. We sat and talked, pretty much nonstop, for THREE HOURS. He had to go put more money in his parking meter at one point, because we were still talking.
We talked about super nerdy things, like the Silmarillion and the Book of Lost Tales. We talked about our jobs (past and present). We talked about traveling. He did the whole "Jack Kerouac" thing back when he was 19 (I think): bought a van, and drove all the way out to California, just him and his guitar. Lorelai Gilmore would've been very proud.
Eventually, we got around to what we had majored in during college. When he found out that I had been an art major, he asked if I had any photos of any of my work on my phone. All I could find were the pictures I had on Facebook of my exit show as a senior...so a marble sculpture, a necklace, and 3 brooches. And in case my nerdiness had not already been clearly stated, the 3 brooches each represented a book of The Lord of the Rings...but it didn't seem to bother him. In fact, he encouraged me to make time to work on my art, which I very rarely do, because I'm so busy all the time.
We talked about God, and each ended up sharing how the Lord had worked in our lives to accomplish various things, or to lead us to different places in life.
When it was time to leave, it was raining outside. I had parked a block away, and he had brought an umbrella--normally, I would've actually brought my rain jacket along, but it smelled like horses, so I left it in my car this time. As much as it makes me nervous to let any of these online dates know what my car looks like (call me paranoid, it's fine), he very sweetly walked me to my car, holding the umbrella for me. He even seemed to appreciate my nerdy bumper stickers (Star Wars and Lord of the Rings...surprise). He said we should do this again sometime. I made sure that I smiled, and I said that would be fun; I said I had a nice time. I think I said all the right things, and I tried really hard to make sure that my body language wasn't shutting him down. Because I really had enjoyed getting to know him a little, and a second date would be fine.
But...
He didn't ask for my number.
It's now been several days, and I haven't heard anything from him.
This guy seriously must have done his research and read my blog...he never tried to do any kind of awkward hugs. He stood up when I walked in, shook my hand, bought me coffee. We sat and talked, pretty much nonstop, for THREE HOURS. He had to go put more money in his parking meter at one point, because we were still talking.
We talked about super nerdy things, like the Silmarillion and the Book of Lost Tales. We talked about our jobs (past and present). We talked about traveling. He did the whole "Jack Kerouac" thing back when he was 19 (I think): bought a van, and drove all the way out to California, just him and his guitar. Lorelai Gilmore would've been very proud.
Eventually, we got around to what we had majored in during college. When he found out that I had been an art major, he asked if I had any photos of any of my work on my phone. All I could find were the pictures I had on Facebook of my exit show as a senior...so a marble sculpture, a necklace, and 3 brooches. And in case my nerdiness had not already been clearly stated, the 3 brooches each represented a book of The Lord of the Rings...but it didn't seem to bother him. In fact, he encouraged me to make time to work on my art, which I very rarely do, because I'm so busy all the time.
We talked about God, and each ended up sharing how the Lord had worked in our lives to accomplish various things, or to lead us to different places in life.
When it was time to leave, it was raining outside. I had parked a block away, and he had brought an umbrella--normally, I would've actually brought my rain jacket along, but it smelled like horses, so I left it in my car this time. As much as it makes me nervous to let any of these online dates know what my car looks like (call me paranoid, it's fine), he very sweetly walked me to my car, holding the umbrella for me. He even seemed to appreciate my nerdy bumper stickers (Star Wars and Lord of the Rings...surprise). He said we should do this again sometime. I made sure that I smiled, and I said that would be fun; I said I had a nice time. I think I said all the right things, and I tried really hard to make sure that my body language wasn't shutting him down. Because I really had enjoyed getting to know him a little, and a second date would be fine.
But...
He didn't ask for my number.
It's now been several days, and I haven't heard anything from him.
So now begins my brain’s nonstop review of every single minute detail. Where did I go wrong? No, I didn’t think he was necessarily “the one” or anything, but I think a second date would’ve been worthwhile.
From the beginning, what details did I miss at first?
—Maybe the fact that he couldn’t tell that I had showered and put on makeup? He asked if I came straight from work...but my hair was still wet from my shower, and I’m not great at eyeliner, so it doesn’t exactly look like it should just magically be there.
—Maybe I didn’t sound enthusiastic enough about doing something again? But I was definitely engaged in our conversation (ok, so I did have to deal with something with work, via text, but that was *mostly* while he was feeding his parking meter, and I apologized profusely for it)
—Maybe the fact that the more he put his hands past the middle of the table, the more I sat back in my chair and played with my empty coffee cup?
—Maybe it should’ve been a clue to me that he didn’t try to do anything but shake my hand after he walked me to my car? But I fully appreciated that...I found that to be very polite (chivalrous, even), and not at all pushy...which made me comfortable.
—Maybe I should’ve messaged him as soon as I got home and said I had a good time? But I told him that in person, when I agreed (with a smile, because I made a mental note to do it) that a second date would be nice. Plus, he had very clearly been leading up to that point; he didn’t waste time before asking me out, he proposed a day, time, AND place, and he was there before me. AND he thought ahead enough to bring an umbrella.
—Maybe he’s just not that into me.
Legend has it that Abraham Lincoln always said that honesty was the best policy. I have no idea if he really said that or not, but he was called Honest Abe, so it seems likely. Personally, I like honesty. I’m really not capable of hiding anything...I would be a terrible spy (but a great superhero...lol). So at what point do I need to actually add something in my dating profiles about how, even though it’s been 5 years since my last breakup (and almost 7 since the really bad one), deep down I’m still afraid of trusting someone new enough to maybe-one-day fall in love, so I might not seem super enthusiastic about dating in general, but that they shouldn’t take it personally? That if I spend more than an hour with them on a first date, I’m probably willing to go on a second one? Or that physical touch is the absolute lowest of my love languages, and that it will probably take me several dates before I’m comfortable enough to even think about holding hands? That I even find “Christian side hugs” to be pushing the envelope of what’s appropriate when you first meet someone?
None of those things seem likely to get me any dates at all, but if I keep going the way I have been, I don’t foresee myself getting any second dates. And sure, in my perfect rom-com world (you know, the fake one in my head), the “perfect guy” would see through all these issues anyway. If only that perfect rom-com world existed *outside* of my head...
Maybe I will add some of that stuff...may as well try something different, right? Maybe honesty really is the best policy?
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Bowling with Mr. Bingley
Sorry, I forgot to post last week! Here lies the account of the most recent date I have been on, and, at least for now, it's the last one I have for you; since this date, I've barely even messaged with guys online, which doesn't give me very much to go on for this blog. If anything new happens, I'll be sure to add new posts...but at this point, they certainly won't be weekly!
Anyway...
"Mr. Bingley" gets major points for moving quickly from messages to an actual date. We had only been "matched" on a Wednesday, and we went on a date on that same Friday. Another point for the CMB app for their icebreaker questions to get conversations started. We definitely hit it off via messaging.
We decided to go bowling, which was quite honestly a fantastic change from coffee or dinner. We ironically both showed up wearing jeans and black shirts. I had walked in a little before him, so I was standing there and waiting for him for a couple of minutes. He saw me waiting, and opened both arms for a bear hug as he walked up. This was the moment I realized that he was a Bingley. Not that it meant he was ruled out as being "my Darcy," but it was an interesting realization, nonetheless. He was very much like a puppy dog, actually. I got the oncoming bear hug over with and then tried to put a nice little space bubble between us, but he kept (politely) closing it while we made small talk for a few minutes. Again, very much like a puppy dog--nothing intimidating, just getting a little on the annoying side (don't get me wrong, I'm sure many people would be totally fine with it; it's just not my style). Finally, we went over to get our bowling shoes.
When we got to our lane, Bingley sat down closer to the lane to change his shoes, and I sat down one seat over. From a merely logical standpoint, a little elbow room is helpful while putting on shoes...but apparently he didn't see it that way, so he moved over into the seat between us (insert eye roll emoji here).
[Just in case anyone hasn't figured it out yet, physical touch isn't exactly at the top of my love languages (it's only barely above receiving gifts, which I think only got 1 point when I took the Love Language Test). I'm a big fan of my personal bubble. I can handle being a little touchy AFTER I've built a relationship with someone, but it takes me a little while for that to happen. That just might be a helpful anecdote for the rest of this story.]
Anyway, minus the lack of personal bubble, we were having a pretty decent time already--he was super chatty, which meant I could just answer things and not have to put forth a whole lot of effort. We found our bowling balls (he was shocked that I knew what weight I normally use), I got our screen set up with our names (we just went with our actual, boring names instead of being clever), and we got started on game #1.
I STARTED OFF THE GAME WITH TWO STRIKES. Y'all, I've never done that a day in my life. Clearly, the ability to be competitive on a first date brings out hidden skills...I scored a 123 in that first game, and he barely broke 100.
We played a second game. He kept trying to "show" me how to get gutter balls, so I would lose. At one point, he even did the whole "reach around" move to tell me to use a different bowling ball. Can you *be* any more obvious? I mean, I guess a little flirtation is a good sign, but I really wasn't giving him any signs that I was feeling the same way...at least, not that I know of. The only possibly-flirtatious thing I was doing was smack talking...and it was entirely justified, because I won the second game with only a 90-something. Don't worry, he wasn't letting me win on purpose. I think his confidence was just totally shattered by that first game.
So we started game #3. I started off with a strike again...oops (LOL). At this point, I knew he needed a win, but I wasn't about to throw the whole game on purpose--I'm far too competitive for that. I did, however, throw a couple of gutter balls here and there, just to help him out...one of which somehow bounced off the end to knock down a pin! I still managed to win that game by 2 or 3 points...guess that 1 random pin mattered :)
After his horrible defeat, "Mr. Bingley" asked if I would like to get dinner. Since he wasn't from the area, we settled on getting BBQ at the place that was basically across the street, so I didn't have to try to explain where to go. We had pretty good discussions while we ate. He and I both (ironically, again?) have had 2 previous relationships, and all of our respective exes are now married. He made the joke that he must be like a prep person before his exes got married, since they each married the next men they dated. So I guess that means we were both "prep people"? Maybe that similarity was just too much...like, the polarities were too close, and repelled each other (at least, on my end). [insert David Tennant's version of Doctor Who, insisting on reversing the polarity... Don't worry, some people will get that reference; if that's not you, you're out of luck if you live in America, since they took Doctor Who off of Netflix. Sorry for nerding out on y'all...on to the rest of the story!]
Anyway, after we had both commiserated about our exes (which everyone tells you not to do on a date, but I guess Bingley never got that memo, since he brought it up), I guess he felt like we were meant to be together or something. He straight up asked me if I felt like my heart was ready for dating again. I told him I didn't really know if I could know that without trying it...maybe that's where I went wrong. I guess he thought that was his cue to decide we were dating? On the way out of the restaurant, I stayed back a second to give him the opportunity to open the door for me (see, Perfectly Polished really DOES have a lasting effect on your kids!!) instead of just walking out on my own...but he took it the wrong way. He also stayed back, then went for my hand when we started to leave.
It took me COMPLETELY off guard.
I jerked my hand away, and I actually let out some kind of noise that gave the impression of "EWWW!" (I didn't actually say that, but that was definitely the unintended implication)
He quickly exited the restaurant, mumbling "oh, sorry" over his shoulder. I caught the door and followed him out, and apologized. I told him I was just weird about stuff like that, and that I have to be *really* comfortable with someone before that happens. He said he guessed that could be a good thing.
Then we awkwardly walked to our respective cars, with at least 10 feet between us, and said our goodbyes. I told him thank you for bowling and dinner, and he said he hoped the Bulldogs lost the next day in their game (Homecoming, against Vandy...while it was a pretty terrible game, at least we won). He got in his car and drove back to Clemson.
And we never talked again after that. I considered texting him again to apologize once more, but honestly, we had only known each other for about 2.5 hours before he went for my hand. That was WAY too fast for me, and I've asked other people too, and probably 85% of them agreed with me. I'm all about being a hopeless romantic, but moving too fast in real life is a different story.
He really was a nice guy though, so I earnestly hope that Bingley will find his Jane soon.
Anyway...
"Mr. Bingley" gets major points for moving quickly from messages to an actual date. We had only been "matched" on a Wednesday, and we went on a date on that same Friday. Another point for the CMB app for their icebreaker questions to get conversations started. We definitely hit it off via messaging.
We decided to go bowling, which was quite honestly a fantastic change from coffee or dinner. We ironically both showed up wearing jeans and black shirts. I had walked in a little before him, so I was standing there and waiting for him for a couple of minutes. He saw me waiting, and opened both arms for a bear hug as he walked up. This was the moment I realized that he was a Bingley. Not that it meant he was ruled out as being "my Darcy," but it was an interesting realization, nonetheless. He was very much like a puppy dog, actually. I got the oncoming bear hug over with and then tried to put a nice little space bubble between us, but he kept (politely) closing it while we made small talk for a few minutes. Again, very much like a puppy dog--nothing intimidating, just getting a little on the annoying side (don't get me wrong, I'm sure many people would be totally fine with it; it's just not my style). Finally, we went over to get our bowling shoes.
When we got to our lane, Bingley sat down closer to the lane to change his shoes, and I sat down one seat over. From a merely logical standpoint, a little elbow room is helpful while putting on shoes...but apparently he didn't see it that way, so he moved over into the seat between us (insert eye roll emoji here).
[Just in case anyone hasn't figured it out yet, physical touch isn't exactly at the top of my love languages (it's only barely above receiving gifts, which I think only got 1 point when I took the Love Language Test). I'm a big fan of my personal bubble. I can handle being a little touchy AFTER I've built a relationship with someone, but it takes me a little while for that to happen. That just might be a helpful anecdote for the rest of this story.]
Anyway, minus the lack of personal bubble, we were having a pretty decent time already--he was super chatty, which meant I could just answer things and not have to put forth a whole lot of effort. We found our bowling balls (he was shocked that I knew what weight I normally use), I got our screen set up with our names (we just went with our actual, boring names instead of being clever), and we got started on game #1.
I STARTED OFF THE GAME WITH TWO STRIKES. Y'all, I've never done that a day in my life. Clearly, the ability to be competitive on a first date brings out hidden skills...I scored a 123 in that first game, and he barely broke 100.
We played a second game. He kept trying to "show" me how to get gutter balls, so I would lose. At one point, he even did the whole "reach around" move to tell me to use a different bowling ball. Can you *be* any more obvious? I mean, I guess a little flirtation is a good sign, but I really wasn't giving him any signs that I was feeling the same way...at least, not that I know of. The only possibly-flirtatious thing I was doing was smack talking...and it was entirely justified, because I won the second game with only a 90-something. Don't worry, he wasn't letting me win on purpose. I think his confidence was just totally shattered by that first game.
So we started game #3. I started off with a strike again...oops (LOL). At this point, I knew he needed a win, but I wasn't about to throw the whole game on purpose--I'm far too competitive for that. I did, however, throw a couple of gutter balls here and there, just to help him out...one of which somehow bounced off the end to knock down a pin! I still managed to win that game by 2 or 3 points...guess that 1 random pin mattered :)
After his horrible defeat, "Mr. Bingley" asked if I would like to get dinner. Since he wasn't from the area, we settled on getting BBQ at the place that was basically across the street, so I didn't have to try to explain where to go. We had pretty good discussions while we ate. He and I both (ironically, again?) have had 2 previous relationships, and all of our respective exes are now married. He made the joke that he must be like a prep person before his exes got married, since they each married the next men they dated. So I guess that means we were both "prep people"? Maybe that similarity was just too much...like, the polarities were too close, and repelled each other (at least, on my end). [insert David Tennant's version of Doctor Who, insisting on reversing the polarity... Don't worry, some people will get that reference; if that's not you, you're out of luck if you live in America, since they took Doctor Who off of Netflix. Sorry for nerding out on y'all...on to the rest of the story!]
Anyway, after we had both commiserated about our exes (which everyone tells you not to do on a date, but I guess Bingley never got that memo, since he brought it up), I guess he felt like we were meant to be together or something. He straight up asked me if I felt like my heart was ready for dating again. I told him I didn't really know if I could know that without trying it...maybe that's where I went wrong. I guess he thought that was his cue to decide we were dating? On the way out of the restaurant, I stayed back a second to give him the opportunity to open the door for me (see, Perfectly Polished really DOES have a lasting effect on your kids!!) instead of just walking out on my own...but he took it the wrong way. He also stayed back, then went for my hand when we started to leave.
It took me COMPLETELY off guard.
I jerked my hand away, and I actually let out some kind of noise that gave the impression of "EWWW!" (I didn't actually say that, but that was definitely the unintended implication)
He quickly exited the restaurant, mumbling "oh, sorry" over his shoulder. I caught the door and followed him out, and apologized. I told him I was just weird about stuff like that, and that I have to be *really* comfortable with someone before that happens. He said he guessed that could be a good thing.
Then we awkwardly walked to our respective cars, with at least 10 feet between us, and said our goodbyes. I told him thank you for bowling and dinner, and he said he hoped the Bulldogs lost the next day in their game (Homecoming, against Vandy...while it was a pretty terrible game, at least we won). He got in his car and drove back to Clemson.
And we never talked again after that. I considered texting him again to apologize once more, but honestly, we had only known each other for about 2.5 hours before he went for my hand. That was WAY too fast for me, and I've asked other people too, and probably 85% of them agreed with me. I'm all about being a hopeless romantic, but moving too fast in real life is a different story.
He really was a nice guy though, so I earnestly hope that Bingley will find his Jane soon.
Monday, November 26, 2018
The One with All the Encouragement
For those of us here in the US, this past Thursday was Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving just so happens to be my favorite holiday--the cooking, the family, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the food; I would add football, but my family never really watches football on Thanksgiving, since we prefer college football over professional. We do occasionally throw a football around the yard (or, in the case of last year, we shoot some toy arrows with toy bows...occasionally, there are Nerf guns involved). One of my other favorite Thanksgiving things is watching the F.R.I.E.N.D.S Thanksgiving episodes...hence the title of this post (and really, that's the only reason that F.R.I.E.N.D.S is even a relevant anecdote here, so if that's the only reason you started reading this post, move along, or you might be disappointed).
The last several years (seven? six?), my family has attended a Thanksgiving Eve Breakfast for Dinner gathering on, well, Thanksgiving Eve. This has easily become my "new" favorite thing about Thanksgiving. It began in the tight kitchen of a family friend's home. The first year, we blew fuses in the kitchen as we all tried to make pancakes, eggs, bacon, biscuits. We didn't eat until about an hour and a half after everyone showed up--and it was a wonderful evening of laughter and "family" (although very few of us were actually related...so it's basically a "friendsgiving" situation). As the years have progressed, the number of people has increased, the kitchen has been redone to be more open, and we figured out that using my dad's flat-top grill outside to cook the eggs and bacon saves the fuses.
But the best part of the whole evening is always seeing old friends. Many of us only see each other at this dinner each year. Part of that catching up this year included a couple of people talking to me about this very blog. In spite of the humor with which I view most of my experiences in the online dating world (let's be honest, it's how I view most of my life in general), some people can tell how frustrated and discouraged I can get with the whole concept of waiting (not-so-patiently) for "the one".
As I thought about this verse on my way home, I realized that one important part of it is that the son ASKS for what he wants. Don't get me wrong, I have prayed about wanting to date someone/get married eventually...but I've honestly never been great about praying for something consistently. It's more like I just kinda mention it to God when it comes to mind. I think partially, I feel like I'm being selfish if I pray about myself "too much"...but the Bible tells us to ask. I don't for one minute think this realization is going to "magically" make something happen, but I do think that I need to be more faithful about praying about any future relationships.
So to those of you who read this blog, and who mention it to me in person, THANK YOU. To those of you considering setting me up with someone, THANK YOU. But more importantly, THANK YOU to people who really, earnestly pray and LISTEN to what the Lord says to them, and who aren't afraid to pass it along to those of us who sometimes struggle with the listening part.
The last several years (seven? six?), my family has attended a Thanksgiving Eve Breakfast for Dinner gathering on, well, Thanksgiving Eve. This has easily become my "new" favorite thing about Thanksgiving. It began in the tight kitchen of a family friend's home. The first year, we blew fuses in the kitchen as we all tried to make pancakes, eggs, bacon, biscuits. We didn't eat until about an hour and a half after everyone showed up--and it was a wonderful evening of laughter and "family" (although very few of us were actually related...so it's basically a "friendsgiving" situation). As the years have progressed, the number of people has increased, the kitchen has been redone to be more open, and we figured out that using my dad's flat-top grill outside to cook the eggs and bacon saves the fuses.
But the best part of the whole evening is always seeing old friends. Many of us only see each other at this dinner each year. Part of that catching up this year included a couple of people talking to me about this very blog. In spite of the humor with which I view most of my experiences in the online dating world (let's be honest, it's how I view most of my life in general), some people can tell how frustrated and discouraged I can get with the whole concept of waiting (not-so-patiently) for "the one".
Before this party, one of my relatives asked if I would be interested in being set up with someone he knows. I told him I was fine with that, since *obviously* this whole online thing seems to be as successful as trying to kick through a brick wall. At the party, the hosts took it upon themselves to offer me some extremely heartfelt encouragement this year; the wife talked to me about a single guy that she knows, and said she has been praying about whether or not she should try to set us up (she had actually mentioned this idea to me several months ago, via text, but I had forgotten about it until that night). As it turns out, this is the same guy that another person I know has thought about setting me up with (this person also asked about it in the last week). Now, I'm not letting any of these things get my hopes up that anything is going to actually happen, let alone work out--but the important part here is that it's encouraging to know how much people care. On top of these encouraging conversations, the other host (the husband of the wife mentioned previously) shared a Bible verse with me which God had laid on his heart:
"Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:9-11 ESV)He reminded me that the Lord loves His children, and that He loves to give us good gifts. Of course, this doesn't mean that God doesn't allow us to go through tough things--He definitely does, because He uses trials and difficulties to grow our faith, because they show us how much we need Him. But God also uses other people encouraging us to grow our faith. I didn't go to this party expecting anything like that, but God, being the loving Heavenly Father that He is, gave me the gift of being encouraged, but also challenged.
As I thought about this verse on my way home, I realized that one important part of it is that the son ASKS for what he wants. Don't get me wrong, I have prayed about wanting to date someone/get married eventually...but I've honestly never been great about praying for something consistently. It's more like I just kinda mention it to God when it comes to mind. I think partially, I feel like I'm being selfish if I pray about myself "too much"...but the Bible tells us to ask. I don't for one minute think this realization is going to "magically" make something happen, but I do think that I need to be more faithful about praying about any future relationships.
So to those of you who read this blog, and who mention it to me in person, THANK YOU. To those of you considering setting me up with someone, THANK YOU. But more importantly, THANK YOU to people who really, earnestly pray and LISTEN to what the Lord says to them, and who aren't afraid to pass it along to those of us who sometimes struggle with the listening part.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Best Dating App?
Over the last 3 years, I have used almost every available dating app, I guess subconciously hoping that different algorithms might find some different options for me. On almost every single one, I’ve ended up being matched with most of the same guys...and several times, I’ve been matched with guys that I already know. That can be super awkward, by the way—especially if there has never been any sort of interest (in real life) from either side.
Dating apps that I’ve used, and my opinions of each of them:
My personal favorite dating app is Coffee Meets Bagel. While Match has actually gotten me more dates, the format of CMB, and the fact that it uses icebreakers, makes conversations much easier to get started. Also, I appreciate that people can't communicate with each other before both individuals hit "like".
About a month ago, I made a survey about dating apps, that some of y'all probably took (anonymously, of course). Below are the questions I asked, along with the results, which honestly surprised me a little. I had a total of 11 people take the survey, but one of those 11 said they had never tried online dating, but the other 10 had.
So, what is the best dating app? Well, according to my survey, Tinder would be the overall best dating app, which honestly surprised me. Maybe it's because of sheer volume? But Tinder also had the most creepers (again, sheer volume), so I guess it depends on how many more creepers you want to wade through in order to find the potentially good conversations and dates.
Dating apps that I’ve used, and my opinions of each of them:
- eHarmony (expensive, but better filtering and better conversations...but I've never gone on a date from this one)
- Coffee Meets Bagel (free, appealing layout, and it uses friends of friends on Facebook)
- Match (affordable, so lots of people are on it, which widens the "playing field")
- Christian Mingle (also affordable, but I think this is where the creepers go to prey on Christian girls)
- Bumble (free, but the girl has to initiate conversation...which I don't do; I tried it for a little bit, and I even started a couple of conversations, but I didn't like it)
- CrossPaths (free; one of my friends in another state met someone on this app, so I got it...and no one in my area is on it)
- Clover (free, and lots of people in my area were on it, but you can't filter very much at all, so I was *constantly* getting notifications, and I deleted the app because I got annoyed--with the app, more-so than the people on it)
- Hinge (the new big thing; free, unless you want to be able to get fancy with your filters; interesting new take on a profile layout, but I haven't had many successful conversations on it yet...I don't love it so far)
My personal favorite dating app is Coffee Meets Bagel. While Match has actually gotten me more dates, the format of CMB, and the fact that it uses icebreakers, makes conversations much easier to get started. Also, I appreciate that people can't communicate with each other before both individuals hit "like".
About a month ago, I made a survey about dating apps, that some of y'all probably took (anonymously, of course). Below are the questions I asked, along with the results, which honestly surprised me a little. I had a total of 11 people take the survey, but one of those 11 said they had never tried online dating, but the other 10 had.
1. Have you ever used a dating app before?Yes: 10No: 12. What dating app is overall your favorite? (1 skipped this question)eHarmony: 1Match: 0Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 1Hinge: 0Clover: 0Cross Paths: 0Bumble: 1Tinder: 3OK Cupid: 1Plenty of Fish: 1Farmers Only: 0Other: 13. Which dating app has led to the best conversations? (1 skipped this question)eHarmony: 1Match: 1Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 1Hinge: 1Clover: 0Cross Paths:0Bumble: 1Tinder: 2OK Cupid: 1Plenty of Fish: 1Farmers Only: 0Other: 04. Which dating app has led to the most dates? (1 skipped this question)eHarmony: 0Match: 0Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 1Hinge: 0Clover: 0Cross Paths: 0Bumble: 1Tinder: 3OK Cupid: 1Plenty of Fish: 1Farmers Only: 0Other: 25. If you are married, did you meet your spouse through an online dating app? (2 skipped this question)Yes: 3No: 66. On which dating app have you found the best selection of people? (2 skipped this question)eHarmony: 2Match: 0Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 1Hinge: 1Clover: 0Cross Paths: 0Bumble: 1Tinder: 1OK Cupid: 1Plenty of Fish: 0Farmers Only: 0Other: 17. On which dating app have you found the most creepers? (1 skipped this question)eHarmony: 1Match: 2Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 0Hinge: 0Clover: 0Cross Paths: 0Bumble: 1Tinder: 4OK Cupid: 0Plenty of Fish: 0Farmers Only: 0Other: 1
So, what is the best dating app? Well, according to my survey, Tinder would be the overall best dating app, which honestly surprised me. Maybe it's because of sheer volume? But Tinder also had the most creepers (again, sheer volume), so I guess it depends on how many more creepers you want to wade through in order to find the potentially good conversations and dates.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
The Singleness Saga -- GUEST POST!
Sometimes, in this online dating world-of-weird, it's easy to feel like you're the only one with strange stories to tell. But good news! You. Are. Not. Alone. And to prove it (to myself?), here is an anonymous guest post from a wonderful friend of mine :)
Happy to share these stories for the laughs, the eye rolls, and the sheer amazement. ;)
1. The 46 yr old teenager:
Scenario one: "Matched" with a guy (he is 46, and I am 42 - these details matter in this story). He has pictures posted that are decent, clean cut, fun, and even one with him praying with another man. (Normally I cringe a little at those, thinking they are going to be "holier than thou"). Benefit of the doubt won over because of his excellent writing, and the details in his profile bio.
So we exchanged a line or two, and he asked if it was too forward to ask to speak on the phone. Honestly, I was impressed. He had met, maybe even surpassed, my expectations in a whirlwind.
He called, and we talked about 3 minutes when...
"ohh, hang on just one sec.......ha ha, that's funny, ok I'm back...oh hang on, my buddy is texting me." (Insert loud laughter) "Wow, so this buddy has some crazy drama...hold on, oh he's calling me. Hey _____, can I call you right back?"
Ummmmm...why?
He did call back, and soon I was questioning his age (no offense to 22 year olds), and the fact that his leading a Bible study and mentoring somehow was done by this same individual who just described how that once he is "impaired" at the local bar, that these "cute little things" were just so fun and flirty and that's how he now has 2 exes and 5 children (27, 25, 23, 22, 13). (He even has grandkids, but he just loves making babies). Yep...had fun ending that conversation.
2. He wanted me to be treated "like a daughter of God" - his words.
Conversation began with him quoting scripture for EVERY answer. Sweet though, and finally had actual conversation.
And then came my favorite phone conversation...
He stated that he really just needed to "hire a girl to come clean", or find him a "good, sweet lil' girl like [me]." (If you know me, feel free to laugh right there! HA!!) I said, "you maybe should consider hiring someone to clean."
(Please brace yourself).
His next response had possibilities hanging in the balance...
The path he chose:
"I don't mind hard work, ya know outside. But all this, well you know, I mean it's just not 'for a man' to vacuum and clean light fixtures, wash dishes and clothes, and all."
I LAUGHED SO HARD OUT LOUD, and actually said "Are you KIDDING me?!?
He chuckled and said, "no really I mean it's just not a manly thing to clean house."
Pretty sure I said bye before hanging up...though I can't be positive.
My sweet lil' self just can't remember.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
What I’m Actually Looking For
One of my faithful readers asked me a little while ago to write a post about what I'm actually looking for in a date/possible future husband. Ever since I was in the youth group at church (so, starting in 7th grade), our youth pastor always encouraged us to make a list of qualities we would want in a future spouse. That list took shape over the course of my time in youth group, and I may have edited it while I was in college at some point, but I think the basics are about the same as the very first "wish list" I ever made. My most recent list is at the end of this post. The 2 paragraphs below aren't *exactly* related to my list, but the things I discuss in those paragraphs have certainly played integral parts in my list updates.
I read (and discussed in class) I Kissed Dating Goodbye (written by Joshua Harris) as a senior in high school, and as a freshman in college, I did a Song of Solomon Bible study with my church's college ministry. While I think there were a whole lot of good, valuable things that I learned from both studies, I also think they both worked together in my brain to convince me that "every date is a potential mate"...which I think was a quote I also used to hear in my youth group. Now, that's not to say that it isn't true--it is. I think the intention behind both I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the quote that I still remember from youth group was to discourage the habit of serial dating. However, I think it backfired. It seemed that I Kissed Dating Goodbye almost single-handedly led my entire generation (at least in Christian circles) to put WAY. TOO. MUCH. PRESSURE. on any one, single date. Beginning at that point in time, anyone who read Joshua Harris' book of sound advice and good intentions, and took that book to heart as a general rule, began to consider each first date as in interview for an engagement.
While our whole generation "said goodbye" to dating, that caused several people to (seemingly) go straight from friends to being engaged (no judgment, these people are some of my favorite married couples). As for the rest of us, we were scared away from dating during the college years. And after the college years, when you live in a college town, where are you supposed to find someone to date-and-maybe-one-day-marry (you know, since in my mind, they are inseparable)...Bars? Church? Work? And when none of those work for you? Enter online dating. The lists below have been influenced by everything I've experienced...now including over 3 years of trying to find my soulmate on the internet (I mean, you can find everything else there, right?).
Related question, which I've yet to find the answer to: how can my generation of perpetually single Christian women, who are trying to figure out how to find "the one," break our minds free of the whole "every date is a potential mate" mentality...and should even we try?
MY MUST HAVE LIST:
1. Loves God/Jesus more than he loves me. I believe that, in order to have a God-honoring relationship with each other, we must each prioritize our own relationships with the Lord, first and foremost. This has been modeled for me by my parents, and I couldn't be more grateful to them for that.
2. Active in the church they attend, in some respect. According to the Bible, fellowship with other believers is essential to Christian growth, which means that just going to church every now and then doesn't really cut it.
3. A strong leader. Knowing my own personality, I know that I have a difficult time respecting men who won't lead. In my mind, this applies to every aspect of the dating world, beginning with initial communication. If I am the one who begins the conversation online, I think I would just continue on as the leader in the relationship (you know, assuming a relationship actually started). This also coincides with leading by example in his relationship with God. I don't really think I want kids, but I do want to know that I will be led properly. (yes, I know everyone is human and makes mistakes, so I'm not saying he has to be absolutely perfect in his leadership all the time; just most of the time would be good)
4. A servant's heart. No, I don't believe that good leaders are bossy. Yes, I do believe that good, strong, faithful leaders also have the heart of a servant. Why? Because they should be modeling their lives after Jesus...the greatest servant-leader of all time.
5. Taller than me. Again, this plays into the fact that I want to be able to respect my (potential) husband. As strong as women try to be today, we do still also like to feel safe and protected. For me, height plays a big part in that. Therefore, in the online dating world, I pass on anyone under 6' tall.
6. Weighs more than me, but in a healthy, muscular way. As I discussed in my "Ice Cream with Fezzik" post, I have a very active lifestyle. Also, as discussed in my "Froyo with a Former Youth Pastor" post, I have a hard time respecting people who seem "too scrawny." I want someone to be able to share in my active lifestyle with me. I'm not asking for 6-pack abs (not that I would be too upset about that), but someone who seems healthy is important to me.
7. Someone I find attractive. This one is brand new, and wholly inspired by my online dating experiences. I honestly never used to think initial attraction was important to me, but I'm finding that I was wrong. I think that, because of my incapacity for hiding my thoughts, initial attraction, at least on some level, is going to be necessary...which feels shallow to even write. Who knows, maybe that will change again.
8. Someone smarter than me, but who also has common sense. I think this one has also been mostly inspired by online dating, after having read so many badly-written profiles and messages. This would also play into respect for me.
9. Is a dog person. I don't care if he actually has dogs (although not gonna lie, if he does, it shouldn't be a small, fluffy dog, because they don't really count), but I'm just really NOT a cat person, and I always think it's weird when men own cats.
MY PREFERENCE LIST:
1. Loves to travel, but is also grounded. Traveling gives you perspective, and is my favorite way to rejuvenate when I'm worn out by regular life. BUT I also really love coming home to my dogs now. The last part of that is kind of new for me...I always used to be sad when it was time to come home from, well, anywhere that wasn't home.
2. Plays guitar or piano (but preferably guitar). This one has been on my list ever since middle school...I think I've just always really liked the sound of a guitar. Ok, I would probably be ok with a drummer too...maybe.
[This list used to be longer, but I think some of these have moved up to my "must-have" list, unfortunately.]
I read (and discussed in class) I Kissed Dating Goodbye (written by Joshua Harris) as a senior in high school, and as a freshman in college, I did a Song of Solomon Bible study with my church's college ministry. While I think there were a whole lot of good, valuable things that I learned from both studies, I also think they both worked together in my brain to convince me that "every date is a potential mate"...which I think was a quote I also used to hear in my youth group. Now, that's not to say that it isn't true--it is. I think the intention behind both I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the quote that I still remember from youth group was to discourage the habit of serial dating. However, I think it backfired. It seemed that I Kissed Dating Goodbye almost single-handedly led my entire generation (at least in Christian circles) to put WAY. TOO. MUCH. PRESSURE. on any one, single date. Beginning at that point in time, anyone who read Joshua Harris' book of sound advice and good intentions, and took that book to heart as a general rule, began to consider each first date as in interview for an engagement.
While our whole generation "said goodbye" to dating, that caused several people to (seemingly) go straight from friends to being engaged (no judgment, these people are some of my favorite married couples). As for the rest of us, we were scared away from dating during the college years. And after the college years, when you live in a college town, where are you supposed to find someone to date-and-maybe-one-day-marry (you know, since in my mind, they are inseparable)...Bars? Church? Work? And when none of those work for you? Enter online dating. The lists below have been influenced by everything I've experienced...now including over 3 years of trying to find my soulmate on the internet (I mean, you can find everything else there, right?).
Related question, which I've yet to find the answer to: how can my generation of perpetually single Christian women, who are trying to figure out how to find "the one," break our minds free of the whole "every date is a potential mate" mentality...and should even we try?
MY MUST HAVE LIST:
1. Loves God/Jesus more than he loves me. I believe that, in order to have a God-honoring relationship with each other, we must each prioritize our own relationships with the Lord, first and foremost. This has been modeled for me by my parents, and I couldn't be more grateful to them for that.
2. Active in the church they attend, in some respect. According to the Bible, fellowship with other believers is essential to Christian growth, which means that just going to church every now and then doesn't really cut it.
3. A strong leader. Knowing my own personality, I know that I have a difficult time respecting men who won't lead. In my mind, this applies to every aspect of the dating world, beginning with initial communication. If I am the one who begins the conversation online, I think I would just continue on as the leader in the relationship (you know, assuming a relationship actually started). This also coincides with leading by example in his relationship with God. I don't really think I want kids, but I do want to know that I will be led properly. (yes, I know everyone is human and makes mistakes, so I'm not saying he has to be absolutely perfect in his leadership all the time; just most of the time would be good)
4. A servant's heart. No, I don't believe that good leaders are bossy. Yes, I do believe that good, strong, faithful leaders also have the heart of a servant. Why? Because they should be modeling their lives after Jesus...the greatest servant-leader of all time.
5. Taller than me. Again, this plays into the fact that I want to be able to respect my (potential) husband. As strong as women try to be today, we do still also like to feel safe and protected. For me, height plays a big part in that. Therefore, in the online dating world, I pass on anyone under 6' tall.
6. Weighs more than me, but in a healthy, muscular way. As I discussed in my "Ice Cream with Fezzik" post, I have a very active lifestyle. Also, as discussed in my "Froyo with a Former Youth Pastor" post, I have a hard time respecting people who seem "too scrawny." I want someone to be able to share in my active lifestyle with me. I'm not asking for 6-pack abs (not that I would be too upset about that), but someone who seems healthy is important to me.
7. Someone I find attractive. This one is brand new, and wholly inspired by my online dating experiences. I honestly never used to think initial attraction was important to me, but I'm finding that I was wrong. I think that, because of my incapacity for hiding my thoughts, initial attraction, at least on some level, is going to be necessary...which feels shallow to even write. Who knows, maybe that will change again.
8. Someone smarter than me, but who also has common sense. I think this one has also been mostly inspired by online dating, after having read so many badly-written profiles and messages. This would also play into respect for me.
9. Is a dog person. I don't care if he actually has dogs (although not gonna lie, if he does, it shouldn't be a small, fluffy dog, because they don't really count), but I'm just really NOT a cat person, and I always think it's weird when men own cats.
MY PREFERENCE LIST:
1. Loves to travel, but is also grounded. Traveling gives you perspective, and is my favorite way to rejuvenate when I'm worn out by regular life. BUT I also really love coming home to my dogs now. The last part of that is kind of new for me...I always used to be sad when it was time to come home from, well, anywhere that wasn't home.
2. Plays guitar or piano (but preferably guitar). This one has been on my list ever since middle school...I think I've just always really liked the sound of a guitar. Ok, I would probably be ok with a drummer too...maybe.
[This list used to be longer, but I think some of these have moved up to my "must-have" list, unfortunately.]
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