What I’m Actually Looking For

One of my faithful readers asked me a little while ago to write a post about what I'm actually looking for in a date/possible future husband.  Ever since I was in the youth group at church (so, starting in 7th grade), our youth pastor always encouraged us to make a list of qualities we would want in a future spouse.  That list took shape over the course of my time in youth group, and I may have edited it while I was in college at some point, but I think the basics are about the same as the very first "wish list" I ever made.  My most recent list is at the end of this post.  The 2 paragraphs below aren't *exactly* related to my list, but the things I discuss in those paragraphs have certainly played integral parts in my list updates.

I read (and discussed in class) I Kissed Dating Goodbye (written by Joshua Harris) as a senior in high school, and as a freshman in college, I did a Song of Solomon Bible study with my church's college ministry.  While I think there were a whole lot of good, valuable things that I learned from both studies, I also think they both worked together in my brain to convince me that "every date is a potential mate"...which I think was a quote I also used to hear in my youth group.  Now, that's not to say that it isn't true--it is.  I think the intention behind both I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the quote that I still remember from youth group was to discourage the habit of serial dating.  However, I think it backfired.  It seemed that I Kissed Dating Goodbye almost single-handedly led my entire generation (at least in Christian circles) to put WAY. TOO. MUCH. PRESSURE. on any one, single date.  Beginning at that point in time, anyone who read Joshua Harris' book of sound advice and good intentions, and took that book to heart as a general rule, began to consider each first date as in interview for an engagement.

While our whole generation "said goodbye" to dating, that caused several people to (seemingly) go straight from friends to being engaged (no judgment, these people are some of my favorite married couples).  As for the rest of us, we were scared away from dating during the college years.  And after the college years, when you live in a college town, where are you supposed to find someone to date-and-maybe-one-day-marry (you know, since in my mind, they are inseparable)...Bars?  Church?  Work?  And when none of those work for you?  Enter online dating.  The lists below have been influenced by everything I've experienced...now including over 3 years of trying to find my soulmate on the internet (I mean, you can find everything else there, right?).

Related question, which I've yet to find the answer to: how can my generation of perpetually single Christian women, who are trying to figure out how to find "the one," break our minds free of the whole "every date is a potential mate" mentality...and should even we try?

MY MUST HAVE LIST:
1. Loves God/Jesus more than he loves me.  I believe that, in order to have a God-honoring relationship with each other, we must each prioritize our own relationships with the Lord, first and foremost.  This has been modeled for me by my parents, and I couldn't be more grateful to them for that.
2. Active in the church they attend, in some respect.  According to the Bible, fellowship with other believers is essential to Christian growth, which means that just going to church every now and then doesn't really cut it.
3. A strong leader.  Knowing my own personality, I know that I have a difficult time respecting men who won't lead.  In my mind, this applies to every aspect of the dating world, beginning with initial communication.  If I am the one who begins the conversation online, I think I would just continue on as the leader in the relationship (you know, assuming a relationship actually started).  This also coincides with leading by example in his relationship with God.  I don't really think I want kids, but I do want to know that I will be led properly.  (yes, I know everyone is human and makes mistakes, so I'm not saying he has to be absolutely perfect in his leadership all the time; just most of the time would be good) 
4. A servant's heart.  No, I don't believe that good leaders are bossy.  Yes, I do believe that good, strong, faithful leaders also have the heart of a servant.  Why?  Because they should be modeling their lives after Jesus...the greatest servant-leader of all time.
5. Taller than me.  Again, this plays into the fact that I want to be able to respect my (potential) husband.  As strong as women try to be today, we do still also like to feel safe and protected.  For me, height plays a big part in that.  Therefore, in the online dating world, I pass on anyone under 6' tall.
6. Weighs more than me, but in a healthy, muscular way.  As I discussed in my "Ice Cream with Fezzik" post, I have a very active lifestyle.  Also, as discussed in my "Froyo with a Former Youth Pastor" post, I have a hard time respecting people who seem "too scrawny."  I want someone to be able to share in my active lifestyle with me.  I'm not asking for 6-pack abs (not that I would be too upset about that), but someone who seems healthy is important to me.
7. Someone I find attractive.  This one is brand new, and wholly inspired by my online dating experiences.  I honestly never used to think initial attraction was important to me, but I'm finding that I was wrong.  I think that, because of my incapacity for hiding my thoughts, initial attraction, at least on some level, is going to be necessary...which feels shallow to even write.  Who knows, maybe that will change again.
8. Someone smarter than me, but who also has common sense.  I think this one has also been mostly inspired by online dating, after having read so many badly-written profiles and messages.  This would also play into respect for me.
9. Is a dog person.  I don't care if he actually has dogs (although not gonna lie, if he does, it shouldn't be a small, fluffy dog, because they don't really count), but I'm just really NOT a cat person, and I always think it's weird when men own cats.

MY PREFERENCE LIST:
1. Loves to travel, but is also grounded.  Traveling gives you perspective, and is my favorite way to rejuvenate when I'm worn out by regular life.  BUT I also really love coming home to my dogs now.  The last part of that is kind of new for me...I always used to be sad when it was time to come home from, well, anywhere that wasn't home.
2. Plays guitar or piano (but preferably guitar).  This one has been on my list ever since middle school...I think I've just always really liked the sound of a guitar.  Ok, I would probably be ok with a drummer too...maybe.
[This list used to be longer, but I think some of these have moved up to my "must-have" list, unfortunately.]