Coffee with the Ag Guy

Real life meeting #2 was with "Ag Guy."  We had been having some pretty good discussions via the dating app we were using.  He was a graduate student at UGA (bonus points for having the same football team allegiance!), and taught some of the Agriculture classes there (the more hands-on type classes, not so much the kind of classes taught in a classroom).

We decided to meet for coffee one afternoon.

Ag Guy was tall, blonde, and not unfortunate-looking.  He got there before me, and waited outside for me to arrive.  We did the awkward initial meeting thing that I'm having to become accustomed to--I go for a handshake, because that's what you do when you meet someone; the guy inevitably goes for a hug...but at least it wasn't a one-armed front-hug this time!  Ag Guy held the door open for me, then bought us both coffees.  The coffee shop we went to must be a pretty popular first "date" spot...the staff seemed pretty accustomed to the awkwardness.

We slowly navigated our way through some basic small talk--

How was your day?
Where do you work?
What does that job entail?
Do you enjoy your job?

I learned that he used to live in Savannah (or maybe it was Charleston?), and was the driver of one of the horse-drawn carriages for something like 10 years.  I also learned that I knew exactly which classes he was teaching, and where he taught them, because I knew some of the students who had him as their teacher.  I also learned that he wanted to get into being a barn manager...which is part of my current job.

And then we both got bored.

The longer we talked, the more dead ends our attempts at conversations kept hitting.  I guess we had too much in common?  I honestly didn't know that was possible, but we really just kept running out of things to talk about, because there was never a need to ask each other follow-up questions.  We both knew a decent amount about horses, both enjoyed working outside, and neither of us really had any hobbies (because our jobs took all of our free time).  Maybe this would have been a situation where a double date would've been helpful to carry the conversation a little bit...who knows?

Another possible solution to the problem of running out of things to talk about would be the obvious option of changing the setting...going to do some kind of activity rather than just meeting for coffee or dinner.  Personally, I am only just now, after over 3 years of this thing we call online dating, feeling comfortable enough to agree to meeting for an activity (well-populated, of course).  At first, I didn't want to feel like I was "trapped" in an activity...I wanted to know I could just get up and walk to the parking lot and leave if I ever felt like I needed to, because (especially in this day and age) you never know who you can trust.  At this point, however, I think I would agree to meeting up to do something like bowling.  I'm still not willing to do a movie on the first one, but I don't really think that's the best option for a first date anyway...especially when you've never met.

Ag Guy and I went our separate ways at the end of our coffee date, and sent a couple of [seemingly obligatory] messages back and forth.  I then learned from one of his students who used to ride at my horse farm, that she often felt like he was kind of creepy.  I didn't necessarily get that vibe from the first meeting, but I could see how he could give off that vibe.  Regardless, we never went on a second date, and stopped the brief messages after maybe a day.  Clearly, we both found each other too boring during our date to pursue things any farther.

I do think that one of the issues with this system of dating is that the first one often feels like a job interview, especially if there's no physical attraction.  How do you get past that?  I don't know yet...still working on it.  I guess that's one of those "practice makes perfect" things.  Granted, I've yet to make it to a second date [spoiler alert], so I'm not sure yet if that changes with the second date, or if that just feels like a second-round interview.  I have found, though, that the more first "dates" I've been on, the less awkward I've felt...for the most part, at least.

So Maybe I'm a Grammar Nazi...

Before I begin this post, please keep in mind that in a blog, or other informal venues of creative writing, sentence fragments are often used for effect.  Now that I have clarified my own misuse of grammar, allow me to gripe about the grammar issues I've run into on profiles or while messaging people :)

No one (except my grandmother) has flip phones anymore, so there's absolutely NO reason for people to not type out words like "you."  It just doesn't take that much extra time.  If you are on an online dating app, and we are chatting, then you are not a teenager (unless you are *seriously* cat-fishing me), and you *definitely* are not using said app ON A FLIP PHONE. Also, smart phones have this fancy little feature called autocorrect. Yes, I know, autocorrect is sometimes more trouble than it’s worth, but fair warning—when you type ACTUAL WORDS, it [usually] won’t correct those for you, even if you really ended up typing a different word than you intended (for example, “their,” “there,” etc). At some point in your education, you should’ve learned the difference in those words. They are spelled differently for a reason—because THEY. HAVE. DIFFERENT. MEANINGS.


PROOFREAD YOUR PROFILE BEFORE PUBLISHING!  I am, in fact, aware that profiles are by no means formal writing.  However, you are trying to present the best version of yourself.  Would it be so terribly difficult to read over your profile one time before deciding it's your final product?  I mean, most guys don't write very much in their profiles anyway.  Here's a lovely (and lengthy) example from one of my recent matches:

While ambition, having a sharp whit, a great smile, a full head of hair, and a cool car will get you a lot in life, almost to the top.  It won't get you everything...the gift of friendship and true love are greater than the sum of all material things.  Pretentious, trivial, petty, spiteful, greedy, egocentric, hateful, deceitful, belittling, untrustworthy, dishonest are adjectives for which do not describe my character.  Understanding, kind, warm, steady, dependable, caring, supportive, selfless, honest, loyal, listens intently, heartfelt, thoughtful, and respectful: describe the quality of my character.

This is verbatim (including the punctuation), and only 1 paragraph that this guy wrote in his "summary" on his profile.  It's not like the message he was trying to convey was wrong, but it does get sort of lost in the fragments.  All he really needed to do was proofread...but again, this requires some effort [insert Millennial rant again].

Maybe you should also proofread your messages...

Hey Alex.  So now that I've violated my own morals and joined an online dating site, I figured now would be a good time to try and woo you.  I promise nothing but pictures of tiffany diamonds and lots of e-roses.  Now down't get too excited, I mean I know your head over heals in-love with idea.  Theres the stent of my witty streak for the night.  So yea how do you end these things?  A simple, Hmu, Facebook style?  Nah we'll go with the classy, ttyl.  what ya upto?

Here's one more example, just for fun; this one is from a message I was sent: "Hello Alex...my name  is _____.  How long have you been ridding houses?"

Apparently, I’m asking too much. #reasonsimsingle

Darcy Wrote Letters

Y'all.

I am SO TIRED of online dating guys who begin conversations with "hey" or "hey how are you?"

This is NOT an effective way of getting to know someone.  It might work for the very very first message, but a real question is so much more effective.  For example, I've had a couple of guys get creative and ask things like, "What's your favorite book?"  My personal favorite was some really long scenario that a different guy came up with about if we had bumped into each other in the grocery store...I don't remember everything he said, but the whole point there is that things like this mean they cared enough to put in a little effort.

Mr. Darcy wrote LETTERS.  Like the real, read them over and over again kind of letters.  The two guys I've actually dated?  They wrote letters too.  Letters are wonderful.  They take time, they take effort, they mean things.  Even if the letter itself is stupid and wouldn't make sense to other people, it means a lot when it's written for you.

Look, I'm not saying these people I "meet" online should write me letters.  I'm not stupid enough to tell any of them where I live.  But I'm getting to where I don't answer most of the guys who only say "Hey"...unless they're REALLY cute (ok, so sometimes I'm a sucker for a Wickham...but so was Elizabeth!); the ones I do answer who only say "Hey," I don't put much effort into either.  I strongly believe that the man should be the leader in the relationship, and to me, that starts from the very beginning.  I've been blessed to have a father who is a fantastic leader for our family, and I therefore struggle to respect men (read: potential suitors) who refuse to lead.  [This gets me onto a whole different soapbox about Millennials as a whole--suffice it to say, I hate being classified as a Millennial, because I have generally found them to be lazy and entitled...and those are definitely NOT qualities that I look for in a future husband]

The adverse of this scenario is a Collins, who gets waaaaayyyyy too clingy too quickly.  Just recently, I gave my number to a guy who asked for it via a dating app.  In his defense, I probably shouldn't have given it to him, since we had only messaged back and forth about 10 times total--as in, the whole entire conversation to that point would fit on 2 screenshots--not that I would know.  But I'm trying to be a little more gracious and open-minded (you know, like by writing this blog), so I gave him the number, with the understanding that we would be texting.  The boy CALLED me TWICE while I was at work.  Plus a couple of texts.  But they weren't really even conversational texts...just a lot of “hey,” and "how's your day going?" type stuff.  BLEH.  Move along, bro.

Please understand, had we already been dating, or even had a couple of real conversations on the dating app or via texting, that would've been more acceptable...still a little weird in this day and age, but more acceptable.  I might have even answered the phone calls.  But we've never even met, let alone had anything remotely like a conversation.  I honestly just don't have time in my life (nor do I want to make time) for someone that clingy and needy...because that's not the type of leader I'm looking for.

How do I know that wasn't his attempt and pursuing me?  You know, that magical thing that every Christian girl wants some Christian boy to do?  I don't.  It's just not anywhere close to how I've been pursued before.  It felt desperate. If he really had been trying to pursue me, I would assume he would’ve at least tried a text that would’ve elicited some sort of response from me. 

The last text I had from him (which he sent between the phone calls)? “I don’t doubt it.” He was commenting on something I had said in response to “how’s your day going”...but these sorts of comments do not, in fact, lead to more discussion. These kinds of comments are merely a way to seem polite, but to really say how disinterested you are...except, apparently, he was still interested enough in calling me again, while I was still at work. Go figure.

My First Meeting--NPH

Here it is...the first tell-all of a meet-up.  I don't even like to call them "dates" when I can help it.  Dates are supposed to be fun...you shouldn't be worried that the person you're going out with isn't the person he seems to be on his profile, or be worried that he's a high-functioning sociopath (Sherlock shoutout there).

Anyway, the very first time I went to meet anyone from a dating app, we met up at Hendershots.  Hendershots is a little bar/cafe that's not quite in downtown Athens...a little dark for meeting a new person, but the atmosphere there is a little louder (and therefore slightly less awkward) than a normal coffee shop.  This guy looked a little like Neil Patrick Harris in his photos, so I figured I wouldn't have too difficult of a time remembering what he looked like.  We managed to find one another, and sat down for coffee...but only after I went for a handshake, and he went for a one-armed *front* hug.

Now, any good Christian school student or alumnus will easily be able to explain the concept of a "Christian side hug."  Those at least kind of make sense, and for people like me, who don't really like hugs anyway, those are pretty doable.  But a one-armed *front* hug (even from "NPH") is WAY more awkward--take my word for it.

Once we were sitting down with our coffees, we had a very pleasant conversation.  I made sure to go in with a time limit, because I was planning to meet up with a friend to see a movie or something just over an hour after this whole "date" thing was supposed to happen.  That helped me relax a little, knowing people were expecting me to be somewhere at a certain time, and would come to rescue me if they needed to (they knew where I was, and when I got there).  So for about an hour, we had good discussions.  But when we started talking about church, he got all weird and intimidated when I said something to the effect of "I never had a rebellious, anti-church phase" (full disclosure, this one was almost 3 years ago, so some details are less-than-fresh in my memory, but it was definitely relevant to our conversation).

His reaction to my statement made me almost regret that I had always just stuck with following the Lord.  Now, I really don't regret that; I really count myself as pretty blessed that I never wanted to leave the church--I've heard plenty of stories from other people that give them plenty of reasons to want to walk away.  But with his reaction, I felt like I was almost being punished, because he felt like I was a "better Christian" than him, and he seemed to suddenly find himself much less interested in me.  I never heard from him again after that night, in spite of the good conversations we had.

Out of the other "dates" I've been on from dating apps, he was 1 of 2 that I would've been willing to go out with a second time.

So how would Elizabeth Bennett have dealt with that?  She would've just moved on with her life, which is what I did.  She knew who she was.  I know, more than anything else, that I belong to Jesus. Any guy I date, or maybe one day marry, absolutely MUST value his relationship with the Lord above everything else, because I try to do the same, and I wouldn't ever want to become an idol in his life by a man trying to make me more important than Jesus.  This is unfortunately not something that's ever really evident in a profile--it's something you have to witness.

Obviously, "NPH" wasn't meant for me, and that's fine.  The experience allowed me to be *slightly* less nervous for the next meet-up with someone else, and it taught me to try to be a little more understanding when people talk about their struggles with the church.

Why the Weird Title?

A few years ago, a friend of mine started blogging about her online dating misadventures...and the stories she told were hilarious.  But then, she found the man she was looking for, and got married, and the blogs about her misadventures stopped.  After putting a FEW YEARS of online dating experience under my belt, I thought I should give the blogging thing a try :)

As many single girls/women would probably also say, Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite pieces of classic literature.  In the four times I've read it, I've always found myself easily identifying with Elizabeth Bennett (again, as I'm sure most girls/women do, since she's the protagonist).  Elizabeth is snarky, opinionated, and unashamedly HERSELF.  (If you've never read it, don't worry, she also has extremely admirable qualities, such as kindness and compassion)

Obviously, since I identify with the main female character, I have of course always pictured myself with a (preferably) real-life version of Mr. Darcy (with a little bit of Aragorn and a touch of Legolas thrown in, if possible)...that's not asking too much, right?  Darcy is tall, handsome, self-assured, respectable, and he cares deeply for the people who are important to him.

Pride and Prejudice is about two people who learn to see past their pride and prejudices against one another (deep thought, I know) through various circumstances that Austen throws their way.  Before Elizabeth realizes how she feels about Darcy, she meets a couple of very...interesting...characters--men who try to win her affections.  Mr. Wickham, for example, is instantly attractive and new and intriguing...very similar to the way some men present themselves on their dating profiles.  And then you have Mr. Collins.  Mr. Collins is a loner, a little weird, and REALLY clingy...he's the guy whose profile you read and think, "Ah yes, another unemployed parents' basement-dweller."

So, having been in the online dating world for just over 3 years at this point, I think it's time to share some of the stories.  Some of these stories will show how shallow I've become in this whole process, and maybe reveal how judgmental I am--but I have standards, I have reasons for those standards, and if you can't handle that, I am not the Elizabeth you're looking for, and you are not my Darcy.  Maybe you're just another Collins :)