Some of you might have been at least somewhat involved in this story.
And some of you are in for some serious entertainment (and maybe a couple of what the heck?! moments).
I started chatting with a guy who, in most pictures, seemed fairly attractive. Then, in a couple of the pictures, he looked like a totally different person. I wasn’t entirely concerned about that...I mean, some people look drastically different from one year to the next. There was definitely something weird, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
After a few days of texting, "Mr. Collins" asked if we could get dinner. Again, I had a horse show that next weekend (is anyone else seeing a pattern here?), so I knew I wouldn’t be available for anything on the weekend. My only "free night" that week was Wednesday, which also happens to be my late day teaching at the barn. Collins said Wednesday night was fine, even though it would be an 8:00 dinner, and he said he had to wake up early for work the next day. Point being, he agreed on the time.
[SIDE NOTE:] Any time I have agreed to go out with anyone from a dating app, I always try to look up more information on them...you know, to make sure I'm not being catfished or something (for those of you who are unfamiliar with that term, it basically means that someone online is pretending to be a different person than they actually are). This particular guy had given me enough personal information to dig up everything online about him.
But there was a problem.
There was NOTHING about this guy online. No Facebook, no white pages, no LinkedIn, no Instagram, no Reddit, no Google (I even tried a Google image search). I mean, maybe he had some kind of Bing presence...but let's be real, no one *actually* uses Bing...so it was entirely possible that this guy wasn't real. Don't worry, though, I used my resources--this time, the human kind.
(1) I have a friend who works in real estate. The guy had told me where he supposedly owned land, so I asked her to try to look it up. Turns out, the land was actually in the name of who we assumed was his father...so at least it was the same last name? Not a huge deal if his dad had originally purchased the land and then given it to him, right?
(2) I have another friend who works in law enforcement (actually, I have a few of those). He had someone run a background check for me. All the information I had been given checked out, but didn't reveal anything extra.
(3) My dad called the place he said he worked, and asked for him, only to hang up before he came to the phone. So at least we knew someone with this name and information existed.
(4) I know someone who works at the restaurant we were going to, so I told him I was going there for a date with a seemingly-questionable guy, and asked him to make sure the people working would "keep an eye out" for me.
Even though we had proven that this person existed (or at least, some version of this person), it's still SUPER WEIRD that his only online presence was his dating profile.
[END SIDE NOTE]
That Wednesday night came, and my last lesson ran a little late. By the time I got changed, I knew I would be a few minutes late, so I messaged "Mr. Collins" to let him know that. He replied that he had arrived about 15 minutes early, "accidentally"?, but that he would be sitting at the bar of the agreed upon restaurant. I walked into the restaurant FOUR MINUTES late. Everyone who was sitting at the bar alone already had food, so I had to try to figure out who he might be, based on the backs of people's heads. Fortunately(?), I guessed correctly (but part of me wonders what might have happened if I had guessed a different person).
I walked toward him, said his name as a question, and he turned his head and said hello. Let me reiterate this: he was sitting at a bar, back to the door, and therefore to me when I walked in, and he turned *his head*. Oh, and he already had food. Seeing any red flags yet?
Collins had both arms on the bar, on either side of his plate (which was an appetizer), and told me to order whatever I wanted, since he "tend[s] to bulk up in the winter, so this would be [his] dinner." A little TMI, but whatever, at least I was getting free food? So I ordered my burger, and he proceeded to finish his "meal" while I waited on my food. We talked a little, but it's very awkward watching someone else eat while you wait on your own food, especially on a date. The nice part about sitting at the bar during basketball season though, is that there was a basketball game on the TV behind the bar...at least I was slightly entertained by that. My food finally came, right about the time he finished eating. I tried not to rush through eating my burger, but of course, now it was his turn to awkwardly sit there while I ate.
As soon as I finished eating, he got the check and paid for dinner. Then, Collins took his hand that was closest to me, put it on my back, and asked if I was ready to go. BLEH. Not that good of a date, bro...not even close. I slid off of my bar stool, as far away from him as I could, and we walked out to our respective vehicles. He said something along the lines of "This was fun. Maybe we can do this again sometime," winked at me, then walked to his truck.
WHAT?! Were you even on the same date as me?! THE WHOLE DATE TOOK LESS THAN AN HOUR. Like, I was in my car, driving home, before 9:00pm. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had ended the date by straight up telling me that his "pleasing attentions" (aka, the wink) "arise chiefly from what is passing of the time. And though I do sometimes amuse myself with arranging such little elegant compliments, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible" (something Mr. Collins tells Elizabeth and Mr. Bennett in the newest version of the Pride and Prejudice movie). That quote would've been right on par with the rest of that evening.
The next day, he texted me a couple of times...about the weather. I mean, can you get more Collins-esque than that?
So, I officially found a Mr. Collins. Anyone seen a Darcy wandering around, looking for his Elizabeth?
[PS]
As weird as this guy seemed before the date, one of my amazing friends drove basically an hour (total) out of her way that night to make sure everything looked ok. YOU'RE THE BEST!
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