Sorry, I forgot to post last week! Here lies the account of the most recent date I have been on, and, at least for now, it's the last one I have for you; since this date, I've barely even messaged with guys online, which doesn't give me very much to go on for this blog. If anything new happens, I'll be sure to add new posts...but at this point, they certainly won't be weekly!
Anyway...
"Mr. Bingley" gets major points for moving quickly from messages to an actual date. We had only been "matched" on a Wednesday, and we went on a date on that same Friday. Another point for the CMB app for their icebreaker questions to get conversations started. We definitely hit it off via messaging.
We decided to go bowling, which was quite honestly a fantastic change from coffee or dinner. We ironically both showed up wearing jeans and black shirts. I had walked in a little before him, so I was standing there and waiting for him for a couple of minutes. He saw me waiting, and opened both arms for a bear hug as he walked up. This was the moment I realized that he was a Bingley. Not that it meant he was ruled out as being "my Darcy," but it was an interesting realization, nonetheless. He was very much like a puppy dog, actually. I got the oncoming bear hug over with and then tried to put a nice little space bubble between us, but he kept (politely) closing it while we made small talk for a few minutes. Again, very much like a puppy dog--nothing intimidating, just getting a little on the annoying side (don't get me wrong, I'm sure many people would be totally fine with it; it's just not my style). Finally, we went over to get our bowling shoes.
When we got to our lane, Bingley sat down closer to the lane to change his shoes, and I sat down one seat over. From a merely logical standpoint, a little elbow room is helpful while putting on shoes...but apparently he didn't see it that way, so he moved over into the seat between us (insert eye roll emoji here).
[Just in case anyone hasn't figured it out yet, physical touch isn't exactly at the top of my love languages (it's only barely above receiving gifts, which I think only got 1 point when I took the Love Language Test). I'm a big fan of my personal bubble. I can handle being a little touchy AFTER I've built a relationship with someone, but it takes me a little while for that to happen. That just might be a helpful anecdote for the rest of this story.]
Anyway, minus the lack of personal bubble, we were having a pretty decent time already--he was super chatty, which meant I could just answer things and not have to put forth a whole lot of effort. We found our bowling balls (he was shocked that I knew what weight I normally use), I got our screen set up with our names (we just went with our actual, boring names instead of being clever), and we got started on game #1.
I STARTED OFF THE GAME WITH TWO STRIKES. Y'all, I've never done that a day in my life. Clearly, the ability to be competitive on a first date brings out hidden skills...I scored a 123 in that first game, and he barely broke 100.
We played a second game. He kept trying to "show" me how to get gutter balls, so I would lose. At one point, he even did the whole "reach around" move to tell me to use a different bowling ball. Can you *be* any more obvious? I mean, I guess a little flirtation is a good sign, but I really wasn't giving him any signs that I was feeling the same way...at least, not that I know of. The only possibly-flirtatious thing I was doing was smack talking...and it was entirely justified, because I won the second game with only a 90-something. Don't worry, he wasn't letting me win on purpose. I think his confidence was just totally shattered by that first game.
So we started game #3. I started off with a strike again...oops (LOL). At this point, I knew he needed a win, but I wasn't about to throw the whole game on purpose--I'm far too competitive for that. I did, however, throw a couple of gutter balls here and there, just to help him out...one of which somehow bounced off the end to knock down a pin! I still managed to win that game by 2 or 3 points...guess that 1 random pin mattered :)
After his horrible defeat, "Mr. Bingley" asked if I would like to get dinner. Since he wasn't from the area, we settled on getting BBQ at the place that was basically across the street, so I didn't have to try to explain where to go. We had pretty good discussions while we ate. He and I both (ironically, again?) have had 2 previous relationships, and all of our respective exes are now married. He made the joke that he must be like a prep person before his exes got married, since they each married the next men they dated. So I guess that means we were both "prep people"? Maybe that similarity was just too much...like, the polarities were too close, and repelled each other (at least, on my end). [insert David Tennant's version of Doctor Who, insisting on reversing the polarity... Don't worry, some people will get that reference; if that's not you, you're out of luck if you live in America, since they took Doctor Who off of Netflix. Sorry for nerding out on y'all...on to the rest of the story!]
Anyway, after we had both commiserated about our exes (which everyone tells you not to do on a date, but I guess Bingley never got that memo, since he brought it up), I guess he felt like we were meant to be together or something. He straight up asked me if I felt like my heart was ready for dating again. I told him I didn't really know if I could know that without trying it...maybe that's where I went wrong. I guess he thought that was his cue to decide we were dating? On the way out of the restaurant, I stayed back a second to give him the opportunity to open the door for me (see, Perfectly Polished really DOES have a lasting effect on your kids!!) instead of just walking out on my own...but he took it the wrong way. He also stayed back, then went for my hand when we started to leave.
It took me COMPLETELY off guard.
I jerked my hand away, and I actually let out some kind of noise that gave the impression of "EWWW!" (I didn't actually say that, but that was definitely the unintended implication)
He quickly exited the restaurant, mumbling "oh, sorry" over his shoulder. I caught the door and followed him out, and apologized. I told him I was just weird about stuff like that, and that I have to be *really* comfortable with someone before that happens. He said he guessed that could be a good thing.
Then we awkwardly walked to our respective cars, with at least 10 feet between us, and said our goodbyes. I told him thank you for bowling and dinner, and he said he hoped the Bulldogs lost the next day in their game (Homecoming, against Vandy...while it was a pretty terrible game, at least we won). He got in his car and drove back to Clemson.
And we never talked again after that. I considered texting him again to apologize once more, but honestly, we had only known each other for about 2.5 hours before he went for my hand. That was WAY too fast for me, and I've asked other people too, and probably 85% of them agreed with me. I'm all about being a hopeless romantic, but moving too fast in real life is a different story.
He really was a nice guy though, so I earnestly hope that Bingley will find his Jane soon.
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Monday, November 26, 2018
The One with All the Encouragement
For those of us here in the US, this past Thursday was Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving just so happens to be my favorite holiday--the cooking, the family, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the food; I would add football, but my family never really watches football on Thanksgiving, since we prefer college football over professional. We do occasionally throw a football around the yard (or, in the case of last year, we shoot some toy arrows with toy bows...occasionally, there are Nerf guns involved). One of my other favorite Thanksgiving things is watching the F.R.I.E.N.D.S Thanksgiving episodes...hence the title of this post (and really, that's the only reason that F.R.I.E.N.D.S is even a relevant anecdote here, so if that's the only reason you started reading this post, move along, or you might be disappointed).
The last several years (seven? six?), my family has attended a Thanksgiving Eve Breakfast for Dinner gathering on, well, Thanksgiving Eve. This has easily become my "new" favorite thing about Thanksgiving. It began in the tight kitchen of a family friend's home. The first year, we blew fuses in the kitchen as we all tried to make pancakes, eggs, bacon, biscuits. We didn't eat until about an hour and a half after everyone showed up--and it was a wonderful evening of laughter and "family" (although very few of us were actually related...so it's basically a "friendsgiving" situation). As the years have progressed, the number of people has increased, the kitchen has been redone to be more open, and we figured out that using my dad's flat-top grill outside to cook the eggs and bacon saves the fuses.
But the best part of the whole evening is always seeing old friends. Many of us only see each other at this dinner each year. Part of that catching up this year included a couple of people talking to me about this very blog. In spite of the humor with which I view most of my experiences in the online dating world (let's be honest, it's how I view most of my life in general), some people can tell how frustrated and discouraged I can get with the whole concept of waiting (not-so-patiently) for "the one".
As I thought about this verse on my way home, I realized that one important part of it is that the son ASKS for what he wants. Don't get me wrong, I have prayed about wanting to date someone/get married eventually...but I've honestly never been great about praying for something consistently. It's more like I just kinda mention it to God when it comes to mind. I think partially, I feel like I'm being selfish if I pray about myself "too much"...but the Bible tells us to ask. I don't for one minute think this realization is going to "magically" make something happen, but I do think that I need to be more faithful about praying about any future relationships.
So to those of you who read this blog, and who mention it to me in person, THANK YOU. To those of you considering setting me up with someone, THANK YOU. But more importantly, THANK YOU to people who really, earnestly pray and LISTEN to what the Lord says to them, and who aren't afraid to pass it along to those of us who sometimes struggle with the listening part.
The last several years (seven? six?), my family has attended a Thanksgiving Eve Breakfast for Dinner gathering on, well, Thanksgiving Eve. This has easily become my "new" favorite thing about Thanksgiving. It began in the tight kitchen of a family friend's home. The first year, we blew fuses in the kitchen as we all tried to make pancakes, eggs, bacon, biscuits. We didn't eat until about an hour and a half after everyone showed up--and it was a wonderful evening of laughter and "family" (although very few of us were actually related...so it's basically a "friendsgiving" situation). As the years have progressed, the number of people has increased, the kitchen has been redone to be more open, and we figured out that using my dad's flat-top grill outside to cook the eggs and bacon saves the fuses.
But the best part of the whole evening is always seeing old friends. Many of us only see each other at this dinner each year. Part of that catching up this year included a couple of people talking to me about this very blog. In spite of the humor with which I view most of my experiences in the online dating world (let's be honest, it's how I view most of my life in general), some people can tell how frustrated and discouraged I can get with the whole concept of waiting (not-so-patiently) for "the one".
Before this party, one of my relatives asked if I would be interested in being set up with someone he knows. I told him I was fine with that, since *obviously* this whole online thing seems to be as successful as trying to kick through a brick wall. At the party, the hosts took it upon themselves to offer me some extremely heartfelt encouragement this year; the wife talked to me about a single guy that she knows, and said she has been praying about whether or not she should try to set us up (she had actually mentioned this idea to me several months ago, via text, but I had forgotten about it until that night). As it turns out, this is the same guy that another person I know has thought about setting me up with (this person also asked about it in the last week). Now, I'm not letting any of these things get my hopes up that anything is going to actually happen, let alone work out--but the important part here is that it's encouraging to know how much people care. On top of these encouraging conversations, the other host (the husband of the wife mentioned previously) shared a Bible verse with me which God had laid on his heart:
"Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:9-11 ESV)He reminded me that the Lord loves His children, and that He loves to give us good gifts. Of course, this doesn't mean that God doesn't allow us to go through tough things--He definitely does, because He uses trials and difficulties to grow our faith, because they show us how much we need Him. But God also uses other people encouraging us to grow our faith. I didn't go to this party expecting anything like that, but God, being the loving Heavenly Father that He is, gave me the gift of being encouraged, but also challenged.
As I thought about this verse on my way home, I realized that one important part of it is that the son ASKS for what he wants. Don't get me wrong, I have prayed about wanting to date someone/get married eventually...but I've honestly never been great about praying for something consistently. It's more like I just kinda mention it to God when it comes to mind. I think partially, I feel like I'm being selfish if I pray about myself "too much"...but the Bible tells us to ask. I don't for one minute think this realization is going to "magically" make something happen, but I do think that I need to be more faithful about praying about any future relationships.
So to those of you who read this blog, and who mention it to me in person, THANK YOU. To those of you considering setting me up with someone, THANK YOU. But more importantly, THANK YOU to people who really, earnestly pray and LISTEN to what the Lord says to them, and who aren't afraid to pass it along to those of us who sometimes struggle with the listening part.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Best Dating App?
Over the last 3 years, I have used almost every available dating app, I guess subconciously hoping that different algorithms might find some different options for me. On almost every single one, I’ve ended up being matched with most of the same guys...and several times, I’ve been matched with guys that I already know. That can be super awkward, by the way—especially if there has never been any sort of interest (in real life) from either side.
Dating apps that I’ve used, and my opinions of each of them:
My personal favorite dating app is Coffee Meets Bagel. While Match has actually gotten me more dates, the format of CMB, and the fact that it uses icebreakers, makes conversations much easier to get started. Also, I appreciate that people can't communicate with each other before both individuals hit "like".
About a month ago, I made a survey about dating apps, that some of y'all probably took (anonymously, of course). Below are the questions I asked, along with the results, which honestly surprised me a little. I had a total of 11 people take the survey, but one of those 11 said they had never tried online dating, but the other 10 had.
So, what is the best dating app? Well, according to my survey, Tinder would be the overall best dating app, which honestly surprised me. Maybe it's because of sheer volume? But Tinder also had the most creepers (again, sheer volume), so I guess it depends on how many more creepers you want to wade through in order to find the potentially good conversations and dates.
Dating apps that I’ve used, and my opinions of each of them:
- eHarmony (expensive, but better filtering and better conversations...but I've never gone on a date from this one)
- Coffee Meets Bagel (free, appealing layout, and it uses friends of friends on Facebook)
- Match (affordable, so lots of people are on it, which widens the "playing field")
- Christian Mingle (also affordable, but I think this is where the creepers go to prey on Christian girls)
- Bumble (free, but the girl has to initiate conversation...which I don't do; I tried it for a little bit, and I even started a couple of conversations, but I didn't like it)
- CrossPaths (free; one of my friends in another state met someone on this app, so I got it...and no one in my area is on it)
- Clover (free, and lots of people in my area were on it, but you can't filter very much at all, so I was *constantly* getting notifications, and I deleted the app because I got annoyed--with the app, more-so than the people on it)
- Hinge (the new big thing; free, unless you want to be able to get fancy with your filters; interesting new take on a profile layout, but I haven't had many successful conversations on it yet...I don't love it so far)
My personal favorite dating app is Coffee Meets Bagel. While Match has actually gotten me more dates, the format of CMB, and the fact that it uses icebreakers, makes conversations much easier to get started. Also, I appreciate that people can't communicate with each other before both individuals hit "like".
About a month ago, I made a survey about dating apps, that some of y'all probably took (anonymously, of course). Below are the questions I asked, along with the results, which honestly surprised me a little. I had a total of 11 people take the survey, but one of those 11 said they had never tried online dating, but the other 10 had.
1. Have you ever used a dating app before?Yes: 10No: 12. What dating app is overall your favorite? (1 skipped this question)eHarmony: 1Match: 0Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 1Hinge: 0Clover: 0Cross Paths: 0Bumble: 1Tinder: 3OK Cupid: 1Plenty of Fish: 1Farmers Only: 0Other: 13. Which dating app has led to the best conversations? (1 skipped this question)eHarmony: 1Match: 1Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 1Hinge: 1Clover: 0Cross Paths:0Bumble: 1Tinder: 2OK Cupid: 1Plenty of Fish: 1Farmers Only: 0Other: 04. Which dating app has led to the most dates? (1 skipped this question)eHarmony: 0Match: 0Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 1Hinge: 0Clover: 0Cross Paths: 0Bumble: 1Tinder: 3OK Cupid: 1Plenty of Fish: 1Farmers Only: 0Other: 25. If you are married, did you meet your spouse through an online dating app? (2 skipped this question)Yes: 3No: 66. On which dating app have you found the best selection of people? (2 skipped this question)eHarmony: 2Match: 0Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 1Hinge: 1Clover: 0Cross Paths: 0Bumble: 1Tinder: 1OK Cupid: 1Plenty of Fish: 0Farmers Only: 0Other: 17. On which dating app have you found the most creepers? (1 skipped this question)eHarmony: 1Match: 2Christian Mingle: 1Coffee Meets Bagel: 0Hinge: 0Clover: 0Cross Paths: 0Bumble: 1Tinder: 4OK Cupid: 0Plenty of Fish: 0Farmers Only: 0Other: 1
So, what is the best dating app? Well, according to my survey, Tinder would be the overall best dating app, which honestly surprised me. Maybe it's because of sheer volume? But Tinder also had the most creepers (again, sheer volume), so I guess it depends on how many more creepers you want to wade through in order to find the potentially good conversations and dates.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
The Singleness Saga -- GUEST POST!
Sometimes, in this online dating world-of-weird, it's easy to feel like you're the only one with strange stories to tell. But good news! You. Are. Not. Alone. And to prove it (to myself?), here is an anonymous guest post from a wonderful friend of mine :)
Happy to share these stories for the laughs, the eye rolls, and the sheer amazement. ;)
1. The 46 yr old teenager:
Scenario one: "Matched" with a guy (he is 46, and I am 42 - these details matter in this story). He has pictures posted that are decent, clean cut, fun, and even one with him praying with another man. (Normally I cringe a little at those, thinking they are going to be "holier than thou"). Benefit of the doubt won over because of his excellent writing, and the details in his profile bio.
So we exchanged a line or two, and he asked if it was too forward to ask to speak on the phone. Honestly, I was impressed. He had met, maybe even surpassed, my expectations in a whirlwind.
He called, and we talked about 3 minutes when...
"ohh, hang on just one sec.......ha ha, that's funny, ok I'm back...oh hang on, my buddy is texting me." (Insert loud laughter) "Wow, so this buddy has some crazy drama...hold on, oh he's calling me. Hey _____, can I call you right back?"
Ummmmm...why?
He did call back, and soon I was questioning his age (no offense to 22 year olds), and the fact that his leading a Bible study and mentoring somehow was done by this same individual who just described how that once he is "impaired" at the local bar, that these "cute little things" were just so fun and flirty and that's how he now has 2 exes and 5 children (27, 25, 23, 22, 13). (He even has grandkids, but he just loves making babies). Yep...had fun ending that conversation.
2. He wanted me to be treated "like a daughter of God" - his words.
Conversation began with him quoting scripture for EVERY answer. Sweet though, and finally had actual conversation.
And then came my favorite phone conversation...
He stated that he really just needed to "hire a girl to come clean", or find him a "good, sweet lil' girl like [me]." (If you know me, feel free to laugh right there! HA!!) I said, "you maybe should consider hiring someone to clean."
(Please brace yourself).
His next response had possibilities hanging in the balance...
The path he chose:
"I don't mind hard work, ya know outside. But all this, well you know, I mean it's just not 'for a man' to vacuum and clean light fixtures, wash dishes and clothes, and all."
I LAUGHED SO HARD OUT LOUD, and actually said "Are you KIDDING me?!?
He chuckled and said, "no really I mean it's just not a manly thing to clean house."
Pretty sure I said bye before hanging up...though I can't be positive.
My sweet lil' self just can't remember.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
What I’m Actually Looking For
One of my faithful readers asked me a little while ago to write a post about what I'm actually looking for in a date/possible future husband. Ever since I was in the youth group at church (so, starting in 7th grade), our youth pastor always encouraged us to make a list of qualities we would want in a future spouse. That list took shape over the course of my time in youth group, and I may have edited it while I was in college at some point, but I think the basics are about the same as the very first "wish list" I ever made. My most recent list is at the end of this post. The 2 paragraphs below aren't *exactly* related to my list, but the things I discuss in those paragraphs have certainly played integral parts in my list updates.
I read (and discussed in class) I Kissed Dating Goodbye (written by Joshua Harris) as a senior in high school, and as a freshman in college, I did a Song of Solomon Bible study with my church's college ministry. While I think there were a whole lot of good, valuable things that I learned from both studies, I also think they both worked together in my brain to convince me that "every date is a potential mate"...which I think was a quote I also used to hear in my youth group. Now, that's not to say that it isn't true--it is. I think the intention behind both I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the quote that I still remember from youth group was to discourage the habit of serial dating. However, I think it backfired. It seemed that I Kissed Dating Goodbye almost single-handedly led my entire generation (at least in Christian circles) to put WAY. TOO. MUCH. PRESSURE. on any one, single date. Beginning at that point in time, anyone who read Joshua Harris' book of sound advice and good intentions, and took that book to heart as a general rule, began to consider each first date as in interview for an engagement.
While our whole generation "said goodbye" to dating, that caused several people to (seemingly) go straight from friends to being engaged (no judgment, these people are some of my favorite married couples). As for the rest of us, we were scared away from dating during the college years. And after the college years, when you live in a college town, where are you supposed to find someone to date-and-maybe-one-day-marry (you know, since in my mind, they are inseparable)...Bars? Church? Work? And when none of those work for you? Enter online dating. The lists below have been influenced by everything I've experienced...now including over 3 years of trying to find my soulmate on the internet (I mean, you can find everything else there, right?).
Related question, which I've yet to find the answer to: how can my generation of perpetually single Christian women, who are trying to figure out how to find "the one," break our minds free of the whole "every date is a potential mate" mentality...and should even we try?
MY MUST HAVE LIST:
1. Loves God/Jesus more than he loves me. I believe that, in order to have a God-honoring relationship with each other, we must each prioritize our own relationships with the Lord, first and foremost. This has been modeled for me by my parents, and I couldn't be more grateful to them for that.
2. Active in the church they attend, in some respect. According to the Bible, fellowship with other believers is essential to Christian growth, which means that just going to church every now and then doesn't really cut it.
3. A strong leader. Knowing my own personality, I know that I have a difficult time respecting men who won't lead. In my mind, this applies to every aspect of the dating world, beginning with initial communication. If I am the one who begins the conversation online, I think I would just continue on as the leader in the relationship (you know, assuming a relationship actually started). This also coincides with leading by example in his relationship with God. I don't really think I want kids, but I do want to know that I will be led properly. (yes, I know everyone is human and makes mistakes, so I'm not saying he has to be absolutely perfect in his leadership all the time; just most of the time would be good)
4. A servant's heart. No, I don't believe that good leaders are bossy. Yes, I do believe that good, strong, faithful leaders also have the heart of a servant. Why? Because they should be modeling their lives after Jesus...the greatest servant-leader of all time.
5. Taller than me. Again, this plays into the fact that I want to be able to respect my (potential) husband. As strong as women try to be today, we do still also like to feel safe and protected. For me, height plays a big part in that. Therefore, in the online dating world, I pass on anyone under 6' tall.
6. Weighs more than me, but in a healthy, muscular way. As I discussed in my "Ice Cream with Fezzik" post, I have a very active lifestyle. Also, as discussed in my "Froyo with a Former Youth Pastor" post, I have a hard time respecting people who seem "too scrawny." I want someone to be able to share in my active lifestyle with me. I'm not asking for 6-pack abs (not that I would be too upset about that), but someone who seems healthy is important to me.
7. Someone I find attractive. This one is brand new, and wholly inspired by my online dating experiences. I honestly never used to think initial attraction was important to me, but I'm finding that I was wrong. I think that, because of my incapacity for hiding my thoughts, initial attraction, at least on some level, is going to be necessary...which feels shallow to even write. Who knows, maybe that will change again.
8. Someone smarter than me, but who also has common sense. I think this one has also been mostly inspired by online dating, after having read so many badly-written profiles and messages. This would also play into respect for me.
9. Is a dog person. I don't care if he actually has dogs (although not gonna lie, if he does, it shouldn't be a small, fluffy dog, because they don't really count), but I'm just really NOT a cat person, and I always think it's weird when men own cats.
MY PREFERENCE LIST:
1. Loves to travel, but is also grounded. Traveling gives you perspective, and is my favorite way to rejuvenate when I'm worn out by regular life. BUT I also really love coming home to my dogs now. The last part of that is kind of new for me...I always used to be sad when it was time to come home from, well, anywhere that wasn't home.
2. Plays guitar or piano (but preferably guitar). This one has been on my list ever since middle school...I think I've just always really liked the sound of a guitar. Ok, I would probably be ok with a drummer too...maybe.
[This list used to be longer, but I think some of these have moved up to my "must-have" list, unfortunately.]
I read (and discussed in class) I Kissed Dating Goodbye (written by Joshua Harris) as a senior in high school, and as a freshman in college, I did a Song of Solomon Bible study with my church's college ministry. While I think there were a whole lot of good, valuable things that I learned from both studies, I also think they both worked together in my brain to convince me that "every date is a potential mate"...which I think was a quote I also used to hear in my youth group. Now, that's not to say that it isn't true--it is. I think the intention behind both I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the quote that I still remember from youth group was to discourage the habit of serial dating. However, I think it backfired. It seemed that I Kissed Dating Goodbye almost single-handedly led my entire generation (at least in Christian circles) to put WAY. TOO. MUCH. PRESSURE. on any one, single date. Beginning at that point in time, anyone who read Joshua Harris' book of sound advice and good intentions, and took that book to heart as a general rule, began to consider each first date as in interview for an engagement.
While our whole generation "said goodbye" to dating, that caused several people to (seemingly) go straight from friends to being engaged (no judgment, these people are some of my favorite married couples). As for the rest of us, we were scared away from dating during the college years. And after the college years, when you live in a college town, where are you supposed to find someone to date-and-maybe-one-day-marry (you know, since in my mind, they are inseparable)...Bars? Church? Work? And when none of those work for you? Enter online dating. The lists below have been influenced by everything I've experienced...now including over 3 years of trying to find my soulmate on the internet (I mean, you can find everything else there, right?).
Related question, which I've yet to find the answer to: how can my generation of perpetually single Christian women, who are trying to figure out how to find "the one," break our minds free of the whole "every date is a potential mate" mentality...and should even we try?
MY MUST HAVE LIST:
1. Loves God/Jesus more than he loves me. I believe that, in order to have a God-honoring relationship with each other, we must each prioritize our own relationships with the Lord, first and foremost. This has been modeled for me by my parents, and I couldn't be more grateful to them for that.
2. Active in the church they attend, in some respect. According to the Bible, fellowship with other believers is essential to Christian growth, which means that just going to church every now and then doesn't really cut it.
3. A strong leader. Knowing my own personality, I know that I have a difficult time respecting men who won't lead. In my mind, this applies to every aspect of the dating world, beginning with initial communication. If I am the one who begins the conversation online, I think I would just continue on as the leader in the relationship (you know, assuming a relationship actually started). This also coincides with leading by example in his relationship with God. I don't really think I want kids, but I do want to know that I will be led properly. (yes, I know everyone is human and makes mistakes, so I'm not saying he has to be absolutely perfect in his leadership all the time; just most of the time would be good)
4. A servant's heart. No, I don't believe that good leaders are bossy. Yes, I do believe that good, strong, faithful leaders also have the heart of a servant. Why? Because they should be modeling their lives after Jesus...the greatest servant-leader of all time.
5. Taller than me. Again, this plays into the fact that I want to be able to respect my (potential) husband. As strong as women try to be today, we do still also like to feel safe and protected. For me, height plays a big part in that. Therefore, in the online dating world, I pass on anyone under 6' tall.
6. Weighs more than me, but in a healthy, muscular way. As I discussed in my "Ice Cream with Fezzik" post, I have a very active lifestyle. Also, as discussed in my "Froyo with a Former Youth Pastor" post, I have a hard time respecting people who seem "too scrawny." I want someone to be able to share in my active lifestyle with me. I'm not asking for 6-pack abs (not that I would be too upset about that), but someone who seems healthy is important to me.
7. Someone I find attractive. This one is brand new, and wholly inspired by my online dating experiences. I honestly never used to think initial attraction was important to me, but I'm finding that I was wrong. I think that, because of my incapacity for hiding my thoughts, initial attraction, at least on some level, is going to be necessary...which feels shallow to even write. Who knows, maybe that will change again.
8. Someone smarter than me, but who also has common sense. I think this one has also been mostly inspired by online dating, after having read so many badly-written profiles and messages. This would also play into respect for me.
9. Is a dog person. I don't care if he actually has dogs (although not gonna lie, if he does, it shouldn't be a small, fluffy dog, because they don't really count), but I'm just really NOT a cat person, and I always think it's weird when men own cats.
MY PREFERENCE LIST:
1. Loves to travel, but is also grounded. Traveling gives you perspective, and is my favorite way to rejuvenate when I'm worn out by regular life. BUT I also really love coming home to my dogs now. The last part of that is kind of new for me...I always used to be sad when it was time to come home from, well, anywhere that wasn't home.
2. Plays guitar or piano (but preferably guitar). This one has been on my list ever since middle school...I think I've just always really liked the sound of a guitar. Ok, I would probably be ok with a drummer too...maybe.
[This list used to be longer, but I think some of these have moved up to my "must-have" list, unfortunately.]
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Ice Cream with Fezzik
This is the one where you find out just how shallow I really am. This guy was actually very nice, we had great conversations via the dating app, he was very straightforward with asking me out, he was willing to work with my crazy schedule, we both enjoyed traveling, and he seemed to really care about his faith (not enough to have found a church yet in the 6 months he had been in Athens, but this is where I'm supposed to try to show grace, right?)...but he was SO. BIG. Like, Fezzik, big (but shorter, and without the crazy hair).
[For those of you who are sorely uneducated in the realm of 80s movies, Fezzik is a very lovable character from the movie The Princess Bride. Fezzik was big-hearted, kind, and an integral part of the plot, played by Andre the Giant...but, most people aren't going to find him physically attractive. I certainly don't.]
LIKE I SAID, THIS IS WHERE YOU FIND OUT HOW SHALLOW I AM. I promise, I don't like this about myself, and I don't think I was quite this shallow before my journey into the online dating world. If Fezzik had an online dating profile, it would probably say things like "My friends tell me I have a great personality," or something to that effect (and probably something about enjoying bashing people's heads with rocks...but that's irrelevant).
Fake Fezzik gets lots of credit for how he cropped his profile pictures, because they were more flattering angles than what he looked like in person. I mean, I don't feel like he had lied with his photos or anything, he had just been strategic...and aren't we all?
As I walked closer to Ben and Jerry's that Sunday afternoon, and saw a large person sitting at a table outside, I thought, "I hope that's not him. I know it's mean, but I hope it's not. It's probably him though." And it was. He was very nice, held the door open for me, bought my ice cream...and the whole time, I just felt like such a jerk, because I just knew this wasn't going to go any further after our ice cream date.
I think, had we met under different circumstances, we would've easily been friends. Herein lies the biggest issue I have with online dating: in my experience, knowing that the whole reason you are meeting another person is to potentially (maybe, possibly, one day in the distant future) marry them, it really changes the dynamic of your first impressions. You essentially forego the possibility of making a new friend for the hope of finding your soulmate. Is the gamble worth it? Maybe other people in the online dating world disagree with me here, and they think you can just flip a switch and make a friend instead of starting to date them. Maybe I'm the only one who struggles to shift my mindset from potential mate to just a friend...or maybe the problem is that I don't have the time or energy to put into making a new friend with whom I wouldn't naturally cross paths--I mean, I hardly have the time to invest in my current friendships.
If we had maybe worked together, or met at church (you know, somewhere we would have naturally crossed paths), without the guise of being on a date, we would've become friends who hung out in groups. And that would've been fine, and maybe, possibly, might have turned into something more. But when I was expecting a football player build (based on his photos), and I showed up and met...well, someone bigger than a football player...I just kept envisioning future dates, and I didn't like it. We didn't even shake hands when we parted ways.
Like Elizabeth, sometimes I have to admit that I could've handled things better. I don't really know how, because I'm not good at controlling my facial expression...BUT I REALLY HOPE NONE OF MY THOUGHTS SHOWED ON MY FACE. I'm sure they did, those sneaky thoughts. This is why I'm better on paper. Then, I can think through what I actually want to convey. This is why letters are good...even so, I suppose meetings must happen.
I justify my decision to tell him that I didn't want to pursue this any farther by telling myself (and apparently, you, if you're still reading this) that I live a very active lifestyle, and therefore I need someone who is physically able to be active. I do think there is a lot of truth to that, but then I do have to remember that this guy seemed to have all the other things I wanted EXCEPT the physical stuff. Maybe the whole package just doesn't exist?
[For those of you who are sorely uneducated in the realm of 80s movies, Fezzik is a very lovable character from the movie The Princess Bride. Fezzik was big-hearted, kind, and an integral part of the plot, played by Andre the Giant...but, most people aren't going to find him physically attractive. I certainly don't.]
LIKE I SAID, THIS IS WHERE YOU FIND OUT HOW SHALLOW I AM. I promise, I don't like this about myself, and I don't think I was quite this shallow before my journey into the online dating world. If Fezzik had an online dating profile, it would probably say things like "My friends tell me I have a great personality," or something to that effect (and probably something about enjoying bashing people's heads with rocks...but that's irrelevant).
Fake Fezzik gets lots of credit for how he cropped his profile pictures, because they were more flattering angles than what he looked like in person. I mean, I don't feel like he had lied with his photos or anything, he had just been strategic...and aren't we all?
As I walked closer to Ben and Jerry's that Sunday afternoon, and saw a large person sitting at a table outside, I thought, "I hope that's not him. I know it's mean, but I hope it's not. It's probably him though." And it was. He was very nice, held the door open for me, bought my ice cream...and the whole time, I just felt like such a jerk, because I just knew this wasn't going to go any further after our ice cream date.
I think, had we met under different circumstances, we would've easily been friends. Herein lies the biggest issue I have with online dating: in my experience, knowing that the whole reason you are meeting another person is to potentially (maybe, possibly, one day in the distant future) marry them, it really changes the dynamic of your first impressions. You essentially forego the possibility of making a new friend for the hope of finding your soulmate. Is the gamble worth it? Maybe other people in the online dating world disagree with me here, and they think you can just flip a switch and make a friend instead of starting to date them. Maybe I'm the only one who struggles to shift my mindset from potential mate to just a friend...or maybe the problem is that I don't have the time or energy to put into making a new friend with whom I wouldn't naturally cross paths--I mean, I hardly have the time to invest in my current friendships.
If we had maybe worked together, or met at church (you know, somewhere we would have naturally crossed paths), without the guise of being on a date, we would've become friends who hung out in groups. And that would've been fine, and maybe, possibly, might have turned into something more. But when I was expecting a football player build (based on his photos), and I showed up and met...well, someone bigger than a football player...I just kept envisioning future dates, and I didn't like it. We didn't even shake hands when we parted ways.
Like Elizabeth, sometimes I have to admit that I could've handled things better. I don't really know how, because I'm not good at controlling my facial expression...BUT I REALLY HOPE NONE OF MY THOUGHTS SHOWED ON MY FACE. I'm sure they did, those sneaky thoughts. This is why I'm better on paper. Then, I can think through what I actually want to convey. This is why letters are good...even so, I suppose meetings must happen.
I justify my decision to tell him that I didn't want to pursue this any farther by telling myself (and apparently, you, if you're still reading this) that I live a very active lifestyle, and therefore I need someone who is physically able to be active. I do think there is a lot of truth to that, but then I do have to remember that this guy seemed to have all the other things I wanted EXCEPT the physical stuff. Maybe the whole package just doesn't exist?
Monday, October 22, 2018
Chowing Down with Mr. Collins
Some of you have heard this story.
Some of you might have been at least somewhat involved in this story.
And some of you are in for some serious entertainment (and maybe a couple of what the heck?! moments).
I started chatting with a guy who, in most pictures, seemed fairly attractive. Then, in a couple of the pictures, he looked like a totally different person. I wasn’t entirely concerned about that...I mean, some people look drastically different from one year to the next. There was definitely something weird, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
After a few days of texting, "Mr. Collins" asked if we could get dinner. Again, I had a horse show that next weekend (is anyone else seeing a pattern here?), so I knew I wouldn’t be available for anything on the weekend. My only "free night" that week was Wednesday, which also happens to be my late day teaching at the barn. Collins said Wednesday night was fine, even though it would be an 8:00 dinner, and he said he had to wake up early for work the next day. Point being, he agreed on the time.
That Wednesday night came, and my last lesson ran a little late. By the time I got changed, I knew I would be a few minutes late, so I messaged "Mr. Collins" to let him know that. He replied that he had arrived about 15 minutes early, "accidentally"?, but that he would be sitting at the bar of the agreed upon restaurant. I walked into the restaurant FOUR MINUTES late. Everyone who was sitting at the bar alone already had food, so I had to try to figure out who he might be, based on the backs of people's heads. Fortunately(?), I guessed correctly (but part of me wonders what might have happened if I had guessed a different person).
I walked toward him, said his name as a question, and he turned his head and said hello. Let me reiterate this: he was sitting at a bar, back to the door, and therefore to me when I walked in, and he turned *his head*. Oh, and he already had food. Seeing any red flags yet?
Collins had both arms on the bar, on either side of his plate (which was an appetizer), and told me to order whatever I wanted, since he "tend[s] to bulk up in the winter, so this would be [his] dinner." A little TMI, but whatever, at least I was getting free food? So I ordered my burger, and he proceeded to finish his "meal" while I waited on my food. We talked a little, but it's very awkward watching someone else eat while you wait on your own food, especially on a date. The nice part about sitting at the bar during basketball season though, is that there was a basketball game on the TV behind the bar...at least I was slightly entertained by that. My food finally came, right about the time he finished eating. I tried not to rush through eating my burger, but of course, now it was his turn to awkwardly sit there while I ate.
As soon as I finished eating, he got the check and paid for dinner. Then, Collins took his hand that was closest to me, put it on my back, and asked if I was ready to go. BLEH. Not that good of a date, bro...not even close. I slid off of my bar stool, as far away from him as I could, and we walked out to our respective vehicles. He said something along the lines of "This was fun. Maybe we can do this again sometime," winked at me, then walked to his truck.
WHAT?! Were you even on the same date as me?! THE WHOLE DATE TOOK LESS THAN AN HOUR. Like, I was in my car, driving home, before 9:00pm. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had ended the date by straight up telling me that his "pleasing attentions" (aka, the wink) "arise chiefly from what is passing of the time. And though I do sometimes amuse myself with arranging such little elegant compliments, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible" (something Mr. Collins tells Elizabeth and Mr. Bennett in the newest version of the Pride and Prejudice movie). That quote would've been right on par with the rest of that evening.
The next day, he texted me a couple of times...about the weather. I mean, can you get more Collins-esque than that?
So, I officially found a Mr. Collins. Anyone seen a Darcy wandering around, looking for his Elizabeth?
[PS]
As weird as this guy seemed before the date, one of my amazing friends drove basically an hour (total) out of her way that night to make sure everything looked ok. YOU'RE THE BEST!
Some of you might have been at least somewhat involved in this story.
And some of you are in for some serious entertainment (and maybe a couple of what the heck?! moments).
I started chatting with a guy who, in most pictures, seemed fairly attractive. Then, in a couple of the pictures, he looked like a totally different person. I wasn’t entirely concerned about that...I mean, some people look drastically different from one year to the next. There was definitely something weird, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
After a few days of texting, "Mr. Collins" asked if we could get dinner. Again, I had a horse show that next weekend (is anyone else seeing a pattern here?), so I knew I wouldn’t be available for anything on the weekend. My only "free night" that week was Wednesday, which also happens to be my late day teaching at the barn. Collins said Wednesday night was fine, even though it would be an 8:00 dinner, and he said he had to wake up early for work the next day. Point being, he agreed on the time.
[SIDE NOTE:] Any time I have agreed to go out with anyone from a dating app, I always try to look up more information on them...you know, to make sure I'm not being catfished or something (for those of you who are unfamiliar with that term, it basically means that someone online is pretending to be a different person than they actually are). This particular guy had given me enough personal information to dig up everything online about him.
But there was a problem.
There was NOTHING about this guy online. No Facebook, no white pages, no LinkedIn, no Instagram, no Reddit, no Google (I even tried a Google image search). I mean, maybe he had some kind of Bing presence...but let's be real, no one *actually* uses Bing...so it was entirely possible that this guy wasn't real. Don't worry, though, I used my resources--this time, the human kind.
(1) I have a friend who works in real estate. The guy had told me where he supposedly owned land, so I asked her to try to look it up. Turns out, the land was actually in the name of who we assumed was his father...so at least it was the same last name? Not a huge deal if his dad had originally purchased the land and then given it to him, right?
(2) I have another friend who works in law enforcement (actually, I have a few of those). He had someone run a background check for me. All the information I had been given checked out, but didn't reveal anything extra.
(3) My dad called the place he said he worked, and asked for him, only to hang up before he came to the phone. So at least we knew someone with this name and information existed.
(4) I know someone who works at the restaurant we were going to, so I told him I was going there for a date with a seemingly-questionable guy, and asked him to make sure the people working would "keep an eye out" for me.
Even though we had proven that this person existed (or at least, some version of this person), it's still SUPER WEIRD that his only online presence was his dating profile.
[END SIDE NOTE]
That Wednesday night came, and my last lesson ran a little late. By the time I got changed, I knew I would be a few minutes late, so I messaged "Mr. Collins" to let him know that. He replied that he had arrived about 15 minutes early, "accidentally"?, but that he would be sitting at the bar of the agreed upon restaurant. I walked into the restaurant FOUR MINUTES late. Everyone who was sitting at the bar alone already had food, so I had to try to figure out who he might be, based on the backs of people's heads. Fortunately(?), I guessed correctly (but part of me wonders what might have happened if I had guessed a different person).
I walked toward him, said his name as a question, and he turned his head and said hello. Let me reiterate this: he was sitting at a bar, back to the door, and therefore to me when I walked in, and he turned *his head*. Oh, and he already had food. Seeing any red flags yet?
Collins had both arms on the bar, on either side of his plate (which was an appetizer), and told me to order whatever I wanted, since he "tend[s] to bulk up in the winter, so this would be [his] dinner." A little TMI, but whatever, at least I was getting free food? So I ordered my burger, and he proceeded to finish his "meal" while I waited on my food. We talked a little, but it's very awkward watching someone else eat while you wait on your own food, especially on a date. The nice part about sitting at the bar during basketball season though, is that there was a basketball game on the TV behind the bar...at least I was slightly entertained by that. My food finally came, right about the time he finished eating. I tried not to rush through eating my burger, but of course, now it was his turn to awkwardly sit there while I ate.
As soon as I finished eating, he got the check and paid for dinner. Then, Collins took his hand that was closest to me, put it on my back, and asked if I was ready to go. BLEH. Not that good of a date, bro...not even close. I slid off of my bar stool, as far away from him as I could, and we walked out to our respective vehicles. He said something along the lines of "This was fun. Maybe we can do this again sometime," winked at me, then walked to his truck.
WHAT?! Were you even on the same date as me?! THE WHOLE DATE TOOK LESS THAN AN HOUR. Like, I was in my car, driving home, before 9:00pm. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had ended the date by straight up telling me that his "pleasing attentions" (aka, the wink) "arise chiefly from what is passing of the time. And though I do sometimes amuse myself with arranging such little elegant compliments, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible" (something Mr. Collins tells Elizabeth and Mr. Bennett in the newest version of the Pride and Prejudice movie). That quote would've been right on par with the rest of that evening.
The next day, he texted me a couple of times...about the weather. I mean, can you get more Collins-esque than that?
So, I officially found a Mr. Collins. Anyone seen a Darcy wandering around, looking for his Elizabeth?
[PS]
As weird as this guy seemed before the date, one of my amazing friends drove basically an hour (total) out of her way that night to make sure everything looked ok. YOU'RE THE BEST!
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Froyo with the Former Youth Pastor
This date was probably number 4 or 5? The ones between Ag Guy and this one were not memorable enough for a post--one happened over Barberitos, another happened over coffee (that guy was JUST. SO. BORING.)--but I couldn't tell you anything we discussed or anything remarkable that happened.
So the Former Youth Pastor and I had been chatting for a couple of days via one of the apps, when he asked if I would like to get dinner that weekend. As per usual, I had a horse show that weekend, but it was only a Saturday show. I told him I should be done with my horse show in time for dinner Saturday, or that we could just do something on Sunday after church. He chose Saturday, I guess since he lived about an hour away from me, which would've made doing something between morning church and evening church on a Sunday a bit difficult.
Saturday came. It was June. I had been at a horse show all day. I had a pretty solid sunburn on any of my skin that had been exposed while at the show, I was most likely a little dehydrated, and I was exhausted. But, this guy was driving an hour to take me out...I at least owed him the courtesy of showing up, right? (Don't worry, I even showered and put on a little tiny bit of half-hearted makeup.)
I texted him when I got home from the show, and asked if he would mind if we just got frozen yogurt instead of real food. I promised him that I am not "one of those girls" who doesn't like real food...because, if you know me at all, you know how much I really do love food. The thought of eating a real meal after being that hot all day was just *not* going to entice me to actually go on this date. He was already on his way, but he agreed to froyo.
Turns out it's probably a good thing we went with froyo, since he showed up in some slightly tattered jeans, a backward baseball cap, and some kind of rock band t-shirt...I think our original plan had been sushi, for which he would've been a little underdressed. Now, it's not that I have any objection to that look, but it has to have its place; a first date (especially had we gone to get real dinner) is not that place. He was tall, had a long-ish (but fairly neat) beard, and seemed more frail than he had looked in his profile pictures...and I was instantly un-attracted to him (yay, shallow me again!)
Once we got our froyo, we sat and talked for a little over 2 hours. We had some great discussions about working with youth groups, going to youth camps, etc. He also talked about how he *had been* the youth pastor at his church for a little while, but was done now; I think it was kind of an interim thing. But I couldn't seem to get over how frail he looked. Then he finally said, as part of some story he told, that he had been "sick" for a long time (like, at least a year), and was just now getting back to doing more normal things. He never told me exactly what he was sick with, but it seemed to have had a little bit of a lasting effect on him.
When we finally left, he said that he had a good time, and that maybe we could do this again.
I hesitated, and he heard all he needed to hear in that beat of silence.
[If you don't know me at all, it would be helpful for you to know that my face betrays my every. single. thought. Also, I cannot lie to save my life. The frustrating part is that I feel like I'm lying if I leave something out, or don't fully answer a question.]
So, needless to say, my reaction told him I really wasn't interested in anything after that evening. In my brain, I was tossing around the idea of maybe doing a second date--I mean, we had good conversations, the time flew by, he seemed really nice...but that brief hesitation told him to go home and not look back. I really may have enjoyed a second date, but I don't know that it would've gone any farther than that, since I found him so unattractive initially. He certainly gets points for reading my reaction that quickly; some men just aren't that attuned to other people to figure out subtle things like body language--more on that in a future post!
Sometimes, I guess you just have to go with your gut?
So the Former Youth Pastor and I had been chatting for a couple of days via one of the apps, when he asked if I would like to get dinner that weekend. As per usual, I had a horse show that weekend, but it was only a Saturday show. I told him I should be done with my horse show in time for dinner Saturday, or that we could just do something on Sunday after church. He chose Saturday, I guess since he lived about an hour away from me, which would've made doing something between morning church and evening church on a Sunday a bit difficult.
Saturday came. It was June. I had been at a horse show all day. I had a pretty solid sunburn on any of my skin that had been exposed while at the show, I was most likely a little dehydrated, and I was exhausted. But, this guy was driving an hour to take me out...I at least owed him the courtesy of showing up, right? (Don't worry, I even showered and put on a little tiny bit of half-hearted makeup.)
I texted him when I got home from the show, and asked if he would mind if we just got frozen yogurt instead of real food. I promised him that I am not "one of those girls" who doesn't like real food...because, if you know me at all, you know how much I really do love food. The thought of eating a real meal after being that hot all day was just *not* going to entice me to actually go on this date. He was already on his way, but he agreed to froyo.
Turns out it's probably a good thing we went with froyo, since he showed up in some slightly tattered jeans, a backward baseball cap, and some kind of rock band t-shirt...I think our original plan had been sushi, for which he would've been a little underdressed. Now, it's not that I have any objection to that look, but it has to have its place; a first date (especially had we gone to get real dinner) is not that place. He was tall, had a long-ish (but fairly neat) beard, and seemed more frail than he had looked in his profile pictures...and I was instantly un-attracted to him (yay, shallow me again!)
Once we got our froyo, we sat and talked for a little over 2 hours. We had some great discussions about working with youth groups, going to youth camps, etc. He also talked about how he *had been* the youth pastor at his church for a little while, but was done now; I think it was kind of an interim thing. But I couldn't seem to get over how frail he looked. Then he finally said, as part of some story he told, that he had been "sick" for a long time (like, at least a year), and was just now getting back to doing more normal things. He never told me exactly what he was sick with, but it seemed to have had a little bit of a lasting effect on him.
When we finally left, he said that he had a good time, and that maybe we could do this again.
I hesitated, and he heard all he needed to hear in that beat of silence.
[If you don't know me at all, it would be helpful for you to know that my face betrays my every. single. thought. Also, I cannot lie to save my life. The frustrating part is that I feel like I'm lying if I leave something out, or don't fully answer a question.]
So, needless to say, my reaction told him I really wasn't interested in anything after that evening. In my brain, I was tossing around the idea of maybe doing a second date--I mean, we had good conversations, the time flew by, he seemed really nice...but that brief hesitation told him to go home and not look back. I really may have enjoyed a second date, but I don't know that it would've gone any farther than that, since I found him so unattractive initially. He certainly gets points for reading my reaction that quickly; some men just aren't that attuned to other people to figure out subtle things like body language--more on that in a future post!
Sometimes, I guess you just have to go with your gut?
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Points for Originality, but Not for Creepiness
Yes, original introductory lines are important...but original and creepy or just plain weird are very different things. There's also a difference between being a strong leader and being pushy. Also, there's no need to get awkwardly personal in a first message...save that stuff for later.
One dating app in particular actually helps make introductory messages a little less awkward, and WAY less boring, by having its users enter icebreakers when they register. For example, mine is "I've stood on a corner in Winslow, Arizona"...and then when we connect, it prompts the guy to ask me about that. I know they're *really* worth chatting with if they quote other Eagles lyrics in response--but even the most boring starters based on that icebreaker are along the lines of "So why were you standing on a corner?" That question at least encourages a whole lot more conversation that "Hey.”
One of the guys I was matched with recently used a pretty solid dad joke. His icebreaker was “how much does a polar bear weigh?” When I asked, because my curiosity was piqued, he answered, “enough to break the ice.”
Anyway, here are some rather comical, occasionally Collins-esque, introductory messages that I've received over the years, on various apps.
"Hi Alex it's my birthday today, write me back so we can chat and enjoy some cake today!"
"Hey sweetie..." (He kept going, but what's the point after that? Calling someone "sweetie" might be fine after you have some sort of a relationship going, but, even in the south, it's not ok to call someone at the very beginning...and "darlin" is pushing the envelope.)
"Mmmm freckles" (NOPE.)
"Hello, how are you? Happy Fourth of July you are so pretty, its not a compliment, its a fact would you like to chat?" (this one could also go in my post about grammar...but also, don't try to be bossy in an introductory message--that doesn't make for the most effective pick-up line in the world)
Here's a personal favorite...this guy messaged me first, then commented on a photo of me shooting a handgun. The message was included in my grammar post (this one clearly could've been in that one too). The photo comment:
And finally, when you've never met and hardly spoken to a person, asking how they slept, saying good morning as soon as you wake up, saying goodnight/sleep well...IT ALL COMES OFF AS CREEPY.
Anyway, here are some rather comical, occasionally Collins-esque, introductory messages that I've received over the years, on various apps.
"Hi Alex it's my birthday today, write me back so we can chat and enjoy some cake today!"
"Hey sweetie..." (He kept going, but what's the point after that? Calling someone "sweetie" might be fine after you have some sort of a relationship going, but, even in the south, it's not ok to call someone at the very beginning...and "darlin" is pushing the envelope.)
"Mmmm freckles" (NOPE.)
"Hello, how are you? Happy Fourth of July you are so pretty, its not a compliment, its a fact would you like to chat?" (this one could also go in my post about grammar...but also, don't try to be bossy in an introductory message--that doesn't make for the most effective pick-up line in the world)
Here's a personal favorite...this guy messaged me first, then commented on a photo of me shooting a handgun. The message was included in my grammar post (this one clearly could've been in that one too). The photo comment:
btw AR, When I first saw you, you gave the vibe of a high maintenance girl. Most men will be intimidated by ur looks and they will think a you are a drama queen, this and that. But u r the opposite, I can tell with one single piece - your minimalist bracelet :-.the most intimate personal thing toned down. That would never come across with your appearance. You might actually be someone can give her meal to friends and go to bed hungry. You can tell me if I am wrong? Am I right or Am I right? whattya upto?I MEAN, REALLY, BRO? Also, no idea who "AR" is, so that's awkward...
And finally, when you've never met and hardly spoken to a person, asking how they slept, saying good morning as soon as you wake up, saying goodnight/sleep well...IT ALL COMES OFF AS CREEPY.
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Coffee with the Ag Guy
Real life meeting #2 was with "Ag Guy." We had been having some pretty good discussions via the dating app we were using. He was a graduate student at UGA (bonus points for having the same football team allegiance!), and taught some of the Agriculture classes there (the more hands-on type classes, not so much the kind of classes taught in a classroom).
We decided to meet for coffee one afternoon.
Ag Guy was tall, blonde, and not unfortunate-looking. He got there before me, and waited outside for me to arrive. We did the awkward initial meeting thing that I'm having to become accustomed to--I go for a handshake, because that's what you do when you meet someone; the guy inevitably goes for a hug...but at least it wasn't a one-armed front-hug this time! Ag Guy held the door open for me, then bought us both coffees. The coffee shop we went to must be a pretty popular first "date" spot...the staff seemed pretty accustomed to the awkwardness.
We slowly navigated our way through some basic small talk--
How was your day?
Where do you work?
What does that job entail?
Do you enjoy your job?
I learned that he used to live in Savannah (or maybe it was Charleston?), and was the driver of one of the horse-drawn carriages for something like 10 years. I also learned that I knew exactly which classes he was teaching, and where he taught them, because I knew some of the students who had him as their teacher. I also learned that he wanted to get into being a barn manager...which is part of my current job.
And then we both got bored.
The longer we talked, the more dead ends our attempts at conversations kept hitting. I guess we had too much in common? I honestly didn't know that was possible, but we really just kept running out of things to talk about, because there was never a need to ask each other follow-up questions. We both knew a decent amount about horses, both enjoyed working outside, and neither of us really had any hobbies (because our jobs took all of our free time). Maybe this would have been a situation where a double date would've been helpful to carry the conversation a little bit...who knows?
Another possible solution to the problem of running out of things to talk about would be the obvious option of changing the setting...going to do some kind of activity rather than just meeting for coffee or dinner. Personally, I am only just now, after over 3 years of this thing we call online dating, feeling comfortable enough to agree to meeting for an activity (well-populated, of course). At first, I didn't want to feel like I was "trapped" in an activity...I wanted to know I could just get up and walk to the parking lot and leave if I ever felt like I needed to, because (especially in this day and age) you never know who you can trust. At this point, however, I think I would agree to meeting up to do something like bowling. I'm still not willing to do a movie on the first one, but I don't really think that's the best option for a first date anyway...especially when you've never met.
Ag Guy and I went our separate ways at the end of our coffee date, and sent a couple of [seemingly obligatory] messages back and forth. I then learned from one of his students who used to ride at my horse farm, that she often felt like he was kind of creepy. I didn't necessarily get that vibe from the first meeting, but I could see how he could give off that vibe. Regardless, we never went on a second date, and stopped the brief messages after maybe a day. Clearly, we both found each other too boring during our date to pursue things any farther.
I do think that one of the issues with this system of dating is that the first one often feels like a job interview, especially if there's no physical attraction. How do you get past that? I don't know yet...still working on it. I guess that's one of those "practice makes perfect" things. Granted, I've yet to make it to a second date [spoiler alert], so I'm not sure yet if that changes with the second date, or if that just feels like a second-round interview. I have found, though, that the more first "dates" I've been on, the less awkward I've felt...for the most part, at least.
Sunday, September 2, 2018
So Maybe I'm a Grammar Nazi...
Before I begin this post, please keep in mind that in a blog, or other informal venues of creative writing, sentence fragments are often used for effect. Now that I have clarified my own misuse of grammar, allow me to gripe about the grammar issues I've run into on profiles or while messaging people :)
No one (except my grandmother) has flip phones anymore, so there's absolutely NO reason for people to not type out words like "you." It just doesn't take that much extra time. If you are on an online dating app, and we are chatting, then you are not a teenager (unless you are *seriously* cat-fishing me), and you *definitely* are not using said app ON A FLIP PHONE. Also, smart phones have this fancy little feature called autocorrect. Yes, I know, autocorrect is sometimes more trouble than it’s worth, but fair warning—when you type ACTUAL WORDS, it [usually] won’t correct those for you, even if you really ended up typing a different word than you intended (for example, “their,” “there,” etc). At some point in your education, you should’ve learned the difference in those words. They are spelled differently for a reason—because THEY. HAVE. DIFFERENT. MEANINGS.
PROOFREAD YOUR PROFILE BEFORE PUBLISHING! I am, in fact, aware that profiles are by no means formal writing. However, you are trying to present the best version of yourself. Would it be so terribly difficult to read over your profile one time before deciding it's your final product? I mean, most guys don't write very much in their profiles anyway. Here's a lovely (and lengthy) example from one of my recent matches:
Maybe you should also proofread your messages...
Here's one more example, just for fun; this one is from a message I was sent: "Hello Alex...my name is _____. How long have you been ridding houses?"
No one (except my grandmother) has flip phones anymore, so there's absolutely NO reason for people to not type out words like "you." It just doesn't take that much extra time. If you are on an online dating app, and we are chatting, then you are not a teenager (unless you are *seriously* cat-fishing me), and you *definitely* are not using said app ON A FLIP PHONE. Also, smart phones have this fancy little feature called autocorrect. Yes, I know, autocorrect is sometimes more trouble than it’s worth, but fair warning—when you type ACTUAL WORDS, it [usually] won’t correct those for you, even if you really ended up typing a different word than you intended (for example, “their,” “there,” etc). At some point in your education, you should’ve learned the difference in those words. They are spelled differently for a reason—because THEY. HAVE. DIFFERENT. MEANINGS.
PROOFREAD YOUR PROFILE BEFORE PUBLISHING! I am, in fact, aware that profiles are by no means formal writing. However, you are trying to present the best version of yourself. Would it be so terribly difficult to read over your profile one time before deciding it's your final product? I mean, most guys don't write very much in their profiles anyway. Here's a lovely (and lengthy) example from one of my recent matches:
While ambition, having a sharp whit, a great smile, a full head of hair, and a cool car will get you a lot in life, almost to the top. It won't get you everything...the gift of friendship and true love are greater than the sum of all material things. Pretentious, trivial, petty, spiteful, greedy, egocentric, hateful, deceitful, belittling, untrustworthy, dishonest are adjectives for which do not describe my character. Understanding, kind, warm, steady, dependable, caring, supportive, selfless, honest, loyal, listens intently, heartfelt, thoughtful, and respectful: describe the quality of my character.This is verbatim (including the punctuation), and only 1 paragraph that this guy wrote in his "summary" on his profile. It's not like the message he was trying to convey was wrong, but it does get sort of lost in the fragments. All he really needed to do was proofread...but again, this requires some effort [insert Millennial rant again].
Maybe you should also proofread your messages...
Hey Alex. So now that I've violated my own morals and joined an online dating site, I figured now would be a good time to try and woo you. I promise nothing but pictures of tiffany diamonds and lots of e-roses. Now down't get too excited, I mean I know your head over heals in-love with idea. Theres the stent of my witty streak for the night. So yea how do you end these things? A simple, Hmu, Facebook style? Nah we'll go with the classy, ttyl. what ya upto?
Here's one more example, just for fun; this one is from a message I was sent: "Hello Alex...my name is _____. How long have you been ridding houses?"
Apparently, I’m asking too much. #reasonsimsingle
Darcy Wrote Letters
Y'all.
I am SO TIRED of online dating guys who begin conversations with "hey" or "hey how are you?"
This is NOT an effective way of getting to know someone. It might work for the very very first message, but a real question is so much more effective. For example, I've had a couple of guys get creative and ask things like, "What's your favorite book?" My personal favorite was some really long scenario that a different guy came up with about if we had bumped into each other in the grocery store...I don't remember everything he said, but the whole point there is that things like this mean they cared enough to put in a little effort.
Mr. Darcy wrote LETTERS. Like the real, read them over and over again kind of letters. The two guys I've actually dated? They wrote letters too. Letters are wonderful. They take time, they take effort, they mean things. Even if the letter itself is stupid and wouldn't make sense to other people, it means a lot when it's written for you.
Look, I'm not saying these people I "meet" online should write me letters. I'm not stupid enough to tell any of them where I live. But I'm getting to where I don't answer most of the guys who only say "Hey"...unless they're REALLY cute (ok, so sometimes I'm a sucker for a Wickham...but so was Elizabeth!); the ones I do answer who only say "Hey," I don't put much effort into either. I strongly believe that the man should be the leader in the relationship, and to me, that starts from the very beginning. I've been blessed to have a father who is a fantastic leader for our family, and I therefore struggle to respect men (read: potential suitors) who refuse to lead. [This gets me onto a whole different soapbox about Millennials as a whole--suffice it to say, I hate being classified as a Millennial, because I have generally found them to be lazy and entitled...and those are definitely NOT qualities that I look for in a future husband]
The adverse of this scenario is a Collins, who gets waaaaayyyyy too clingy too quickly. Just recently, I gave my number to a guy who asked for it via a dating app. In his defense, I probably shouldn't have given it to him, since we had only messaged back and forth about 10 times total--as in, the whole entire conversation to that point would fit on 2 screenshots--not that I would know. But I'm trying to be a little more gracious and open-minded (you know, like by writing this blog), so I gave him the number, with the understanding that we would be texting. The boy CALLED me TWICE while I was at work. Plus a couple of texts. But they weren't really even conversational texts...just a lot of “hey,” and "how's your day going?" type stuff. BLEH. Move along, bro.
Please understand, had we already been dating, or even had a couple of real conversations on the dating app or via texting, that would've been more acceptable...still a little weird in this day and age, but more acceptable. I might have even answered the phone calls. But we've never even met, let alone had anything remotely like a conversation. I honestly just don't have time in my life (nor do I want to make time) for someone that clingy and needy...because that's not the type of leader I'm looking for.
How do I know that wasn't his attempt and pursuing me? You know, that magical thing that every Christian girl wants some Christian boy to do? I don't. It's just not anywhere close to how I've been pursued before. It felt desperate. If he really had been trying to pursue me, I would assume he would’ve at least tried a text that would’ve elicited some sort of response from me.
I am SO TIRED of online dating guys who begin conversations with "hey" or "hey how are you?"
This is NOT an effective way of getting to know someone. It might work for the very very first message, but a real question is so much more effective. For example, I've had a couple of guys get creative and ask things like, "What's your favorite book?" My personal favorite was some really long scenario that a different guy came up with about if we had bumped into each other in the grocery store...I don't remember everything he said, but the whole point there is that things like this mean they cared enough to put in a little effort.
Mr. Darcy wrote LETTERS. Like the real, read them over and over again kind of letters. The two guys I've actually dated? They wrote letters too. Letters are wonderful. They take time, they take effort, they mean things. Even if the letter itself is stupid and wouldn't make sense to other people, it means a lot when it's written for you.
Look, I'm not saying these people I "meet" online should write me letters. I'm not stupid enough to tell any of them where I live. But I'm getting to where I don't answer most of the guys who only say "Hey"...unless they're REALLY cute (ok, so sometimes I'm a sucker for a Wickham...but so was Elizabeth!); the ones I do answer who only say "Hey," I don't put much effort into either. I strongly believe that the man should be the leader in the relationship, and to me, that starts from the very beginning. I've been blessed to have a father who is a fantastic leader for our family, and I therefore struggle to respect men (read: potential suitors) who refuse to lead. [This gets me onto a whole different soapbox about Millennials as a whole--suffice it to say, I hate being classified as a Millennial, because I have generally found them to be lazy and entitled...and those are definitely NOT qualities that I look for in a future husband]
The adverse of this scenario is a Collins, who gets waaaaayyyyy too clingy too quickly. Just recently, I gave my number to a guy who asked for it via a dating app. In his defense, I probably shouldn't have given it to him, since we had only messaged back and forth about 10 times total--as in, the whole entire conversation to that point would fit on 2 screenshots--not that I would know. But I'm trying to be a little more gracious and open-minded (you know, like by writing this blog), so I gave him the number, with the understanding that we would be texting. The boy CALLED me TWICE while I was at work. Plus a couple of texts. But they weren't really even conversational texts...just a lot of “hey,” and "how's your day going?" type stuff. BLEH. Move along, bro.
Please understand, had we already been dating, or even had a couple of real conversations on the dating app or via texting, that would've been more acceptable...still a little weird in this day and age, but more acceptable. I might have even answered the phone calls. But we've never even met, let alone had anything remotely like a conversation. I honestly just don't have time in my life (nor do I want to make time) for someone that clingy and needy...because that's not the type of leader I'm looking for.
How do I know that wasn't his attempt and pursuing me? You know, that magical thing that every Christian girl wants some Christian boy to do? I don't. It's just not anywhere close to how I've been pursued before. It felt desperate. If he really had been trying to pursue me, I would assume he would’ve at least tried a text that would’ve elicited some sort of response from me.
The last text I had from him (which he sent between the phone calls)? “I don’t doubt it.” He was commenting on something I had said in response to “how’s your day going”...but these sorts of comments do not, in fact, lead to more discussion. These kinds of comments are merely a way to seem polite, but to really say how disinterested you are...except, apparently, he was still interested enough in calling me again, while I was still at work. Go figure.
Saturday, September 1, 2018
My First Meeting--NPH
Here it is...the first tell-all of a meet-up. I don't even like to call them "dates" when I can help it. Dates are supposed to be fun...you shouldn't be worried that the person you're going out with isn't the person he seems to be on his profile, or be worried that he's a high-functioning sociopath (Sherlock shoutout there).
Anyway, the very first time I went to meet anyone from a dating app, we met up at Hendershots. Hendershots is a little bar/cafe that's not quite in downtown Athens...a little dark for meeting a new person, but the atmosphere there is a little louder (and therefore slightly less awkward) than a normal coffee shop. This guy looked a little like Neil Patrick Harris in his photos, so I figured I wouldn't have too difficult of a time remembering what he looked like. We managed to find one another, and sat down for coffee...but only after I went for a handshake, and he went for a one-armed *front* hug.
Now, any good Christian school student or alumnus will easily be able to explain the concept of a "Christian side hug." Those at least kind of make sense, and for people like me, who don't really like hugs anyway, those are pretty doable. But a one-armed *front* hug (even from "NPH") is WAY more awkward--take my word for it.
Once we were sitting down with our coffees, we had a very pleasant conversation. I made sure to go in with a time limit, because I was planning to meet up with a friend to see a movie or something just over an hour after this whole "date" thing was supposed to happen. That helped me relax a little, knowing people were expecting me to be somewhere at a certain time, and would come to rescue me if they needed to (they knew where I was, and when I got there). So for about an hour, we had good discussions. But when we started talking about church, he got all weird and intimidated when I said something to the effect of "I never had a rebellious, anti-church phase" (full disclosure, this one was almost 3 years ago, so some details are less-than-fresh in my memory, but it was definitely relevant to our conversation).
His reaction to my statement made me almost regret that I had always just stuck with following the Lord. Now, I really don't regret that; I really count myself as pretty blessed that I never wanted to leave the church--I've heard plenty of stories from other people that give them plenty of reasons to want to walk away. But with his reaction, I felt like I was almost being punished, because he felt like I was a "better Christian" than him, and he seemed to suddenly find himself much less interested in me. I never heard from him again after that night, in spite of the good conversations we had.
Out of the other "dates" I've been on from dating apps, he was 1 of 2 that I would've been willing to go out with a second time.
So how would Elizabeth Bennett have dealt with that? She would've just moved on with her life, which is what I did. She knew who she was. I know, more than anything else, that I belong to Jesus. Any guy I date, or maybe one day marry, absolutely MUST value his relationship with the Lord above everything else, because I try to do the same, and I wouldn't ever want to become an idol in his life by a man trying to make me more important than Jesus. This is unfortunately not something that's ever really evident in a profile--it's something you have to witness.
Obviously, "NPH" wasn't meant for me, and that's fine. The experience allowed me to be *slightly* less nervous for the next meet-up with someone else, and it taught me to try to be a little more understanding when people talk about their struggles with the church.
Anyway, the very first time I went to meet anyone from a dating app, we met up at Hendershots. Hendershots is a little bar/cafe that's not quite in downtown Athens...a little dark for meeting a new person, but the atmosphere there is a little louder (and therefore slightly less awkward) than a normal coffee shop. This guy looked a little like Neil Patrick Harris in his photos, so I figured I wouldn't have too difficult of a time remembering what he looked like. We managed to find one another, and sat down for coffee...but only after I went for a handshake, and he went for a one-armed *front* hug.
Now, any good Christian school student or alumnus will easily be able to explain the concept of a "Christian side hug." Those at least kind of make sense, and for people like me, who don't really like hugs anyway, those are pretty doable. But a one-armed *front* hug (even from "NPH") is WAY more awkward--take my word for it.
Once we were sitting down with our coffees, we had a very pleasant conversation. I made sure to go in with a time limit, because I was planning to meet up with a friend to see a movie or something just over an hour after this whole "date" thing was supposed to happen. That helped me relax a little, knowing people were expecting me to be somewhere at a certain time, and would come to rescue me if they needed to (they knew where I was, and when I got there). So for about an hour, we had good discussions. But when we started talking about church, he got all weird and intimidated when I said something to the effect of "I never had a rebellious, anti-church phase" (full disclosure, this one was almost 3 years ago, so some details are less-than-fresh in my memory, but it was definitely relevant to our conversation).
His reaction to my statement made me almost regret that I had always just stuck with following the Lord. Now, I really don't regret that; I really count myself as pretty blessed that I never wanted to leave the church--I've heard plenty of stories from other people that give them plenty of reasons to want to walk away. But with his reaction, I felt like I was almost being punished, because he felt like I was a "better Christian" than him, and he seemed to suddenly find himself much less interested in me. I never heard from him again after that night, in spite of the good conversations we had.
Out of the other "dates" I've been on from dating apps, he was 1 of 2 that I would've been willing to go out with a second time.
So how would Elizabeth Bennett have dealt with that? She would've just moved on with her life, which is what I did. She knew who she was. I know, more than anything else, that I belong to Jesus. Any guy I date, or maybe one day marry, absolutely MUST value his relationship with the Lord above everything else, because I try to do the same, and I wouldn't ever want to become an idol in his life by a man trying to make me more important than Jesus. This is unfortunately not something that's ever really evident in a profile--it's something you have to witness.
Obviously, "NPH" wasn't meant for me, and that's fine. The experience allowed me to be *slightly* less nervous for the next meet-up with someone else, and it taught me to try to be a little more understanding when people talk about their struggles with the church.
Why the Weird Title?
A few years ago, a friend of mine started blogging about her online dating misadventures...and the stories she told were hilarious. But then, she found the man she was looking for, and got married, and the blogs about her misadventures stopped. After putting a FEW YEARS of online dating experience under my belt, I thought I should give the blogging thing a try :)
As many single girls/women would probably also say, Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite pieces of classic literature. In the four times I've read it, I've always found myself easily identifying with Elizabeth Bennett (again, as I'm sure most girls/women do, since she's the protagonist). Elizabeth is snarky, opinionated, and unashamedly HERSELF. (If you've never read it, don't worry, she also has extremely admirable qualities, such as kindness and compassion)
Obviously, since I identify with the main female character, I have of course always pictured myself with a (preferably) real-life version of Mr. Darcy (with a little bit of Aragorn and a touch of Legolas thrown in, if possible)...that's not asking too much, right? Darcy is tall, handsome, self-assured, respectable, and he cares deeply for the people who are important to him.
Pride and Prejudice is about two people who learn to see past their pride and prejudices against one another (deep thought, I know) through various circumstances that Austen throws their way. Before Elizabeth realizes how she feels about Darcy, she meets a couple of very...interesting...characters--men who try to win her affections. Mr. Wickham, for example, is instantly attractive and new and intriguing...very similar to the way some men present themselves on their dating profiles. And then you have Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins is a loner, a little weird, and REALLY clingy...he's the guy whose profile you read and think, "Ah yes, another unemployed parents' basement-dweller."
So, having been in the online dating world for just over 3 years at this point, I think it's time to share some of the stories. Some of these stories will show how shallow I've become in this whole process, and maybe reveal how judgmental I am--but I have standards, I have reasons for those standards, and if you can't handle that, I am not the Elizabeth you're looking for, and you are not my Darcy. Maybe you're just another Collins :)
As many single girls/women would probably also say, Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite pieces of classic literature. In the four times I've read it, I've always found myself easily identifying with Elizabeth Bennett (again, as I'm sure most girls/women do, since she's the protagonist). Elizabeth is snarky, opinionated, and unashamedly HERSELF. (If you've never read it, don't worry, she also has extremely admirable qualities, such as kindness and compassion)
Obviously, since I identify with the main female character, I have of course always pictured myself with a (preferably) real-life version of Mr. Darcy (with a little bit of Aragorn and a touch of Legolas thrown in, if possible)...that's not asking too much, right? Darcy is tall, handsome, self-assured, respectable, and he cares deeply for the people who are important to him.
Pride and Prejudice is about two people who learn to see past their pride and prejudices against one another (deep thought, I know) through various circumstances that Austen throws their way. Before Elizabeth realizes how she feels about Darcy, she meets a couple of very...interesting...characters--men who try to win her affections. Mr. Wickham, for example, is instantly attractive and new and intriguing...very similar to the way some men present themselves on their dating profiles. And then you have Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins is a loner, a little weird, and REALLY clingy...he's the guy whose profile you read and think, "Ah yes, another unemployed parents' basement-dweller."
So, having been in the online dating world for just over 3 years at this point, I think it's time to share some of the stories. Some of these stories will show how shallow I've become in this whole process, and maybe reveal how judgmental I am--but I have standards, I have reasons for those standards, and if you can't handle that, I am not the Elizabeth you're looking for, and you are not my Darcy. Maybe you're just another Collins :)
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